Sap Running

I’ve watched the sunrise many, many days over the past “several” months and for the most part it has been a welcome sight. It would bring great memories of the day before the laughter, smiles, companionships, conversations, and so much more. It would also bring great expectation of what new and wonderful things the day would offer but today as I layed in the dark watching the same window that I’ve watched for “several” months those thoughts alludes me. ALL I could hear was the Elderly African American community saying “the sap is running.” As a kid I would hear those words often during the fall time of the year. One day my Grandmother was talking and she made reference to “the sap must be running,” I ask her the question that that is on the tip of your tongue what does that mean?

I don’t know if I was really ready for the answer but here it is, it was what the older generation would use when people would die during the fall season of the year. (Sap runs during the fall of the year from the maple trees and it’s a mighty slow process as the maple flowing from the maple tree to describe the slow march of the death angle claiming the lives of people.) I must be honest it scared the you-know-what out of me then. Every time the leves would turn color and began to fall I would leave those days afraid of death but the older I got the less those words had any affect on me. Over the last few years I’ve heard those words echoing through the hall of my memories during the fall season. Since September I’ve experience death physically, relationally and emotionally. So I’ve heard myself not saying but feeling it physically, this Saturday will be the fourth funeral service that I’ve officiated this fall not counting the ones I’ve attended. Relationally, I’ve experienced some death with some associates, some so-called-friends and some people who have had significant place in my life. Emotionally, the deaths are tied to the physical and relational deaths but outside of that has been the death of my trust in people.

THE SAP IS RUNNING!!!!

Help Wanted

You ever needed a SAFE haven? You ever longed for a REAL friendship. What about a CARING and COMPASSIANTE confidant, an UNDERSTANDING ear, or a STRONG shoulder. Simple some one to VALIDATE your feeling, LESSEN your load, BEAR you burden, CARRY your cares, and HANDLE your Hardships. Someone who desires to know you. No hidden agenda, motives, or any other sinister self indulging plan or plot, just someone who when they call your name it sounds different. Someone who contributes to your life rather than subtracts. Someone who looks to see the best in you rather than the worst. Someone to hold you, help you and keep hope alive in you. Someone who walks, watches and works with you. Someone who cares about you, is compassionate toward you and will be concerned about you.

I'm slipping deeper and deeper in this THING and there seems to be no one who can see beyond the smile, beyond the output, beyond the walk, beyond the preaching, teaching and praying. I can sense by now that some reading this has leaped on their religious high-horse and by now is wondering why a preacher, pastor and for that matter a child of God could ever feel this fragile, fractured and fickled. When Jesus approached the garden He was accompanied by his disciples and instructed them to watch with Him. He then took THREE and went a little further and then He himself went a little further. There come a time in everyones life when you need some friends to watch and wait with you. When life hits you the hardest and over and over and over again relentless attack one after another like a heavy weight fighter who is "out on his feet." Knock out but still on his feet trying to regain his balance and composer while the other fighter is bearing in for the knock out punch. One punch after another blood flowing and in the crowd some cheering other appalled waiting and praying for either the ref or the corner guy to stop the fight. How much more can he take, eyes swollen, you can't determined where blood is coming from the cut above the eyes or from his mouth from the beating the other fighter is giving him. Somebody stop the fight! Somebody have mercy! Somebody just throw in the towel. Nobody understands how in the world is this fighter continues taking blow after blow, hit after hit. It is no longer entertainment it is a brutal assault it become hard to watch. Where are those who care? Where are those who have ridden on his coat-tail? Where are those who have ate from his table? Where are those who have benefited the most? Where are those love one, family and friends that have been there in good times enjoying the fruits of his labor?

Jesus takes Peter, James and John to watch with Him only to come back to find them sleep. Sleep on the watch. Sleep on the job. When they should have been at their best. When Jesus needed them the most. They were so self absorbed that they missed their chance to minister to the Minister. They have become so accustomed to being on the receiving end that when they had a chance to give they failed.

Defining Moments

There come a time in every relationship when you hit a defining moment. Its that moment when you come to the fork in the road where a decision has to be made and it defines the rest of the relationship. Proceed with caution because sometime one decision can alter the very future of a marriage relationship, family relationship, friendships "THIS" relationship or "THAT" relationship. I've crossed some of those road with individuals in my life and as painful as it has been I believe that God has purposed these experiences. People are in your life for a reason, season or a lifetime. You see, many times our relationships cloud our intelligence. Emotion and feeling sometime eclipse our view of who people really are. We often want to see in people that which is not in them or that which they have the potintial but refuse to accept.

In recent days I've discovered that there have been people that I have trusted to have a place in my life. Whom I thought we had a mutual love and appreciation for each other. I must admit that I'm very guarded in those whom I allow to get close but even with that you really never know a person until your in the fox hole with them, at a place and season where you need them. That's where relationships are defined or destroyed, stranded or strengthen.

Hurt Village

The Blind Side is the remarkable true story of a young man named Michael Oher who becomes an All-American football star. Mother addicted, father found dead, a dozen or more siblings separated, his own mother couldn't remember his last name, virtually homeless, bouncing from couch to couch never having a bed of his own until he is spotted on the street by Leigh Anne Tuohy. What starts out as a gesture of kindness becomes much more as Michael becomes part of the Tuohy family despite the differences in their backgrounds. What blows me away is how the story ends with Leigh Anne and Michael sitting on the curb of the laundry mat that he frequent when there was no couch available, she asked him how he made it out of (catch this "Hurt Village" the name of the area Michael is from). He said my mother taught him to close his eyes when bad things happened. Michael makes it out but his friend David dies as a result of not making it out of hurt village.

As I sit in my second dark mostly empty theater through this movie for the third time trying to shake the emotional strain of today. I've asked myself the question how does one get out of Hurt Village? Each and everyday their are people who successfully maneuver the trail of tears while other are detoured by the devastation of depression.

Why did Michael make it and David did not? Why did David drop out of school and life and die in the village and Michael become a first round draft choice. One word "Community!" The Tuohy family gave Michael the support, strength and spirit to overcome hurt village. Over and over again Michael was drawn back to hurt village again and again and again. Hurt village can be conquered with the help of loving, understanding, compassionate, caring and Christ-like people. A person present hurt doesn't have to define their future given the right support system.

Playing Hurt

The last few days have been like a bad recurring dream. Its been like that movie ground hog day, when the guy keeps having to relive the same day over and over again. Every morning he wakes up and goes through the exactly same thing that he did the day before, eats same food, goes same places and meets the same people. Strange how one event can turn your world upside down.

Funny (NOT in a ha, ha, way but in a strange way) how people never look behind the smile. I shared this past Sunday on my weekly radio segment Words To Live By that every athlete learned early on to "play hurt" (definition: A injured player plays through his injury). Playing hurt separated good athletes from great athletes. Many time in ministry the pastor must "play hurt!" He does have the liberty to take time to heal, much like the franchise play on a professional team. The only difference is that the organization and ownership understands how valuable the franchise player is and wouldn't risk him being injured, hurt or possible falling to a career ending collision. One would think that the church, his family, friends and love ones would take a page out of the NBA or NFL owner's manual and protect the franchise player. I know that the church is bigger than one man but I also realize that in many churches people attend week in and week out because of the personality in the pulpit. The families of these men and women are supported well by his/her ability to do what they do. The members of these churches are strengthen fed and encouraged by the words that fall from his/her lips.

Sunday after Sunday I have stood broken, burden and battered. Preaching through heartache, hardship and heart break. Leading worship wounded, worn, weary and weeping. Ministering while morning and missing my Daddy. Nobody knowe! Nobody cares! Nobody concern! Just keep giving what we want.

Still Standing Strong

As I come to the end of a long day I want to remind each of us to be thankful for the church. Today I was bless with the opportunity to share God's Word with two congregations in their Homecoming celebrations: my home church the Fairview Baptist Church (Dr. J A Reed) 100th year celebration and the New Hope Baptist Church (Pastor E J Tyson) 80th celebration the church that birth the church I sever. And I am proud to say that the church is still standing strong. Two churches that have rich histories. In the black experience the church has always been that voice that has given leadership to our communities across this country. I'm honored to be apart of the wonderful legacy of leaders that continue to lift the faith of people and give hope and help to the lives of families. What awesome responsibility. Knowing that God has chosen sinful men and women to empower and change live. Father, thank you for using me and allowing me to do your work. I know there are those who are much more equip and worthy. I sit in amazement as your Holy Spirit flow through me giving me the word to say making clear your love and grace. I surrender my life to your service. While I suffer and struggle through my own experience I have found peace today by simply letting you do what you wish.

Finish Strong

"Finish Strong" is a phrase I picked up in high school sports some 30 some years ago. Being an athlete it was called upon when the game had come to the 4th quarter and victory was in sight. The coach would call a time out gather his player around him and like. General commanding his troops to go into battle the coach would call us to dig down deep and finish strong. Where are you digging? Glad you asked! It was those long evening of practice, coaching sessions, those extra sprints and drills. That at the time you didn't understand but the coach had the experience to know that during a long season his team will have to have some that the opponent did have and that is a pool of strength that the other team didn't not possess.

When days seem duary, nights seem long, valleys seem deep and mountains high...remember to "Finish Strong!" Our God has put in us enough to win. I'm praying that you finish this year out strong and ask that you will do the same for me.

World Aids Day

December is such a special month! Not just because it is the time of year in which we celebrate the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ, but also because December 1 is World AIDS Day. HIV/AIDS is still the greatest crisis of all time, killing millions every year, and leaving millions of orphaned and vulnerable children behind. In the middle of this tragedy, Christians have the opportunity to make the love of our Savior real to anyone infected or affected by HIV and AIDS. One of the ways you can show that you care is by remembering those who have died, pray for those who are currently living with HIV and AIDS, pray for breakthroughs in a possible vaccine for HIV. The simplest way you can help fight the HIV/AIDS pandemic is to know your own HIV status. Most people with HIV have been living with the virus for up to nine years before they know their status. Get informed and stop the HIV/AIDS pandemic.

Seem Kinda Odd

Ice Cube the hip-hop mega star made famous these lines "Just waking up in the morning gotta thank God I don't know but today seems kinda odd..." That's my sentiments exactly today. I'm just tired, frustrated, pissed-off, mad, disappointed, hurt, angry, depressed, and a whole lot of other things.

I think everybody has a breaking point. When you've reached your limit. When you've about to reach your breaking point. When it seem like your best just isn't good enough. When you've about to go postal. When your about to throw in the towel. When you've reach your the max of your understanding of people foolishness. When you can't handle another lie, rumor, phony friend who smile in your face while stabling you in your back. Well, I'm there!

I'm up going through the motion trying to keep my mind and my spirit in tacked. I'm in this dark place and I'm not sure how too get out and I'm afraid that I'm going to get stuck.

I miss those days where I couldn't wait for the sun to get up. I missed the days when it was about Kingdom work. When it was simply about the next sermon series, next event, next meeting and next fellowship. I miss the excitement about what God was doing in, through and for us.

I'm figuring out that this is much bigger than anticipated and it want to engulf me. I'm afraid if it does it will change me forever. Something needs to be done but my compass is so jacked-up that I can't focus and find the direction I need. I struggle praying cause I'm so angry, hurt and disappointed.

I don't want to do this any more...Peace

Missing My Daddy

Wow! My heart is heavy. Its been pretty tough emotionally during Thanksgiving without him. I really miss him today!!!

THE BIG GIVER

I have just became one of Shaquille Rashaun O'Neal today. I AM A FAN of Superman, Shaq Diesel, The Big Aristotle and Shaq-Fu.

At 7' 1" Shaq Daddy is regarded as one of the most dominant athletes and arguably the most outspoken personalities. He's a writer, actor, graduate LSU (Louisiana State University) and is the only current NBA player with an Master of Business Administration, as well as playing for 5 NBA teams: the Orlando Magic, the Los Angeles Lakers, the Miami Heat, the Phoenix Suns and currently Cleveland Cavs. O'Neal ). Shaq is also one of the few NBA players in history to reach the NBA Finals with three different teams. His charisma on and off the court helped create a worldwide reputation as "Godfather of the NBA.

With all that said what moved me greatly and made me one of his BIGGEST FANS was the fact that he paid for the funeral of 5-year-old Shaniya Davis, allegedly killed by a man who paid for her sexual services. Shaq Daddy said "I was sitting at home watching it on the news and the story brought a tear to my eye..."

WOW, on the heels of Thanksgiving we should all take a page out of the Shaquille Rashaun O'Neal life book and GIVE to those around us. Giving is not base on how big the gift in the HAND but how big the HEART behind the hand.

This has challenged me to look for ways to give to those who God will cross my path this holiday season.

The Green Mile

One of the most moving movies I've ever watched was the "Green Mile," staring Tom Hanks (as Paul Edgecomb) and Michael Clarke Duncan (as John Coffey Like the drink just not spelled the same"). Paul Edgecomb is a slightly cynical veteran prison guard on Death row (called the green mile because the floor is green) in the 1930's. His faith, and sanity, deteriorated by watching men live and die, Edgecomb is about to have a complete turn around in attitude. Enters John Coffey, He's eight feet tall. He has hands the size of shovels. He's been accused of the murder and rap of two little white girls... and he's afraid to sleep in a cell without a night-light. And Edgecomb, as well as the other prison guards - Brutus, a sympathetic guard, and Percy, a stuck up, perverse, and violent person, are in for a strange experience that involves intelligent mice, brutal executions, and the revelation about Coffey's innocence and the true God-give gift he is.

Well today is thanksgiving day and the last few weeks I've felt a little like Mr. John Coffey. Having this special gift that God has given to "take back" others pain but struggle greatly with my own. Able to be compassionate and sympathy with others but not know how to manage my own. While being on my own "Green Mile," you see no matter the awesome gift John possessed it had become an burden "taken back" others pain but having no one to "take back" his. Being a pastor one of your responsibilities is to be there for the members of your flock as the under shepherd and help carry their burdens but what has always been a joy has become an overwhelming burden because of my own stuff.

The battle with grief is real but it grows during the holidays. Grief become magnified. My "Green Mile" has been my incarceration has been one of emotional and psychological struggles. In my 45years of life today will be the the first Thanksgiving my daddy won't be cooking and serving dinner. Will be the first in recent years that we won't attend the city-wide thanksgiving service together. The first time that his house won't be full of laughter and stories of the "good old days." The smell food and we won't taste his rice dressing.

But today I will say I am and will always be thankful for the memories.

The Green Mile

One of the most moving movies I've ever watched was the "Green Mile," staring Tom Hanks and Michael Clarke Duncan.

Missing in Action

Sundays have become increasingly more difficult for me. What many church attendees are unaware of is the spiritual battle that men and women of God have to endure to deliver life change messages. I've learned over my nearly two decades of pastorring that some of the greatest messages that God has chosen to speak through me have come at a great cost to me personally. Most envy the life of the pastor because they see the "things" but if you could see the scares and open wounds and rotten flesh that out weights any of the trinkets. What has cost the MOST is the genuine desire to see people come to the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ and to discover their God-given purpose that will unleash kingdom power. The enemy hates, hinders and hold the church hostage because he knows how powerful the church would be that securely seeks first the kingdom of God. It is my prayer that I will see the fullness of God's vision come to be. There are hundreds and even thousands of people who are looking for God's church. A place to worship, belong, study, serve and share. My struggle is with what God has shared and birth in my spirit and the overwhelming conflict and lack of cooperation from those who are in leadership. One would think that it would be the pleasure, privilege and purpose of people who have been in church, studied and taught His Word to carry out His Will. But sadly and shamefully those who should be there aren't. Paul writes with his heart broken and said by now I thought you would be teacher but I have to take you back to the elementary teaching. Likewise later he again said it is my desire is to feed you meat but you are still on milk. Are we to spend our time fighting or should we simply shake the dust off? Week in and week out there are those who are broken, beaten and battered by life seeking God for answers and the church is engaged in self destructive behavior. Tearing one another down with gossip and critical word. Fighting God's program, mission and vision. Focusing on self gratification, all about me, myself and I. Seeking to fulfill selfish and personal agenda. Holding fast to tradition and an old-time religion that has failed to take in consideration what it is that God wants. Has anybody ASKED God what He desired for His people to be engaged in? Has anybody ASKED God what He want His people to be doing? Is God please with our worship? What does God want the program of the church to look like, what does He want the order of business too be? Is He concerned about the widows and orphans? What about the single mother who's at her wits end? What about that teenager who fights thought of suicide? What about that wife who is being abused daily? What about that grandmother who has taken in her daughter's children and has no idea on raising this generation? What about that young brotha who dropped out of school and can't read and can hardly write? What about that little girl or boy who has to sit and watch momma smoke crack and do favors? What about that student who goes to school and is made fun of because he/she clothe smell because they have no way of washing them and have no school supplies in order to even attempt to stay up with the rest of the class? What about that gifted young person who has no one push and encourage higher education? What about those seniors who have to make the choice to eat, pay bill or buy medication? While we go to our Sunday school classes and small group session and talk about scriptures and never live them out. Then move to our dry singing, dull praying, deceitful giving, dreadful sermons and then to dinner. Oh, less I forget the great trade, where one church drags their members to one church this month and next month they drag their to the other. Then there is the weak Wednesday workout, where we go through the motion for and hour or so with very little if any praying and seeking God. Does God even attend Wednesdays?

What are we too do?

God won't put more on you than you can bear?

I’ve simply been avoiding not neglecting this blog. Why, you ask? It was my frail, futile and foolish attempt to side step the emotional turmoil I’m experiencing. For several reason…[1] I’ve never been here before, [2] It is incredibly painful, [3] I’m a man, [4] I’m a pastor, [5] I’m the local theologian in my church, [6] My siblings are counting on me, [7] The people closest to me have no idea what to do, [8] People I thought I could count on have been absent, [9] Life pauses for no man and I will restrain myself from doing the predictable thing a preacher and skip number 10.

Like many people, I’m in the darkness moments and seasons in my life. A season that I would have loved to skip, there have been times when I’m had to face some lonesome day and the dark nights and prayed for my own time machine so I can either go back where I was happy, or fast forward anywhere in the future where I can find myself again. Funny huh? There is no such machine invented and the only way to move from the terrible, horrible place where I stand is to go through the dare tunnel ahead.

I’m sure you’ve heard people say, “God won’t put more on you than you can bear!” Is that really comforting? Should that bring absolute joy? I know that sound cynical but let’s step back for a moment and think. Where is the hope in that, when my heart is broken, crushed, bruised, and abused? Do I really want to engage God at that level? What in the hell does that mean? Is there anybody in this universe that’s looking forward to God maxing you out? Let me walk you through that…the lovely statement that “Christians and Non-Christians” make as they attempt to give you this cute little box that is wrapped so beautiful with a bow and everything to help minister and soothe and comfort you in your darkest hour, here it goes, “God won’t put more on you than you can bear!” I’ve worked out many, many years and at times hired a weight and cardio trainer to kick start after a plateau. The trainer’s job was to push my body to levels it has never gone before. After a long week of training on the last day of the week would be max day…the testing day of my limits, stamina and endurance. Every muscle, tissue, cell and fiber of your body is tested, pushed until I reached failure. You see when the trainer sees that I had reached my max he would always call for more. The trainer would see more in me than I was able under extreme pressure in myself and would often times put a hand on the bar to assist me. I would be so glad to drop that weight or prop that bar up but in the heat of the battle, in the pain of the push and the strain in the struggle it was the most gut wrenching experience.

Truth be told that where the rubber meets the road and all the cute quote that people around you throw at you won’t help heal the heartache, heartbreak and hardship. Many times we do more harm than good. How? Glad you asked…

Do not constantly ask “How are you doing?” If that particular moment you’re having the best moment you’ve had in a while, guess what…you’re remind of your pain. Let people express their feel to you and you just be willing to listen. [Don’t ruin a good moment they are far and in between.

Learn and anticipate what they need. Sometime they will need you close and other time far, far away [don’t take it personal]. If you care and love this person you have to become selfless to really help.

Be there! Be there! Be there! I can say that enough. One of the first things a person who has experienced an emotional blow needs is fake and phony friends. We all have them people who you’ve stood with, share with and supped with in there seasons of sorrow and when the tables are turned they’re not there. What a blow!

Be understanding and compassionate. Similar experiences are just that SIMILAR experiences. We all have parents but we have difference and unique relationships with them. Yours is not like mine and mine is not like yours, while we both have parents. It is not comforting to hear in the early stages of grief and bereavement that you understand because you had a love one pass on before.

Know that grief is a process. As I said earlier “Life pauses for no man,” and while you’re going to work, moving and shaking. Your love one could be caught in a dungeon of despair, a web of worry, a pit of pressure, fortress of frustration and a guillotine of guilt, gloom and grief. Don’t be guilty of becoming their psychologist, just fill your role in their life.

Most importantly remember that brokenness, grief, suffering, pain, darkness, guilt and many of the other emotional issues we face in life can’t always be seen by the naked eye. We sometime are guilty of wanting to see them better before their really better. We want to see them happy before they are really happy. To the point of telling people when their situation comes up in conversation, “Naw, they’re alright!” Don’t allow you judgment base upon the fact that they laughed because sometime they have to laugh to keep from crying. Don’t base it on the fact that they go back to their routine because that’s what’s expected. I’ll tell you more about this but I was at a conference and the subject of children coping with crisis came up and the statement was made that most people think children bounce back from crises fairly easy. If they return back to playing, laughing, interacting…you know base to their “old selves” then we assume they’re okay. But not true many simply disguise, camouflage, hid and mask their emotional struggle by acting like those who are around them expect them too. Just because the scares are not visible to the naked eyes doesn’t make them any less real or even worst painful.

Let me close by saying I trust that God knows just how much I can bear…but I wonder everyday how will I deal with this awful feeling of brokenness? How will I ever move on? How on earth will I ever smile again? I wish I could give credit to the writer of this but it alludes me at this moment but this has comforted me at this moment: “Yes, I understand why things had to happen this way. I understand his reason for causing me pain. But mere understanding does not chase away the hurt. It does not call upon the sun when dark clouds have loomed over me. Let the rain come then if it must come! And let it wash away the dust that hurt my eyes!” Bye

November Adoption Awareness Month

I attended last month the National One Church Meeting in Baltimore. One church One child is a national organization that seeks to connect families and children in and through the African American community.

Historically approximately 500,000 children in the US foster care system.

Approximately 229,000 of these children are waiting for a permanent home.

At any given time over 1/2 of these children are Africa American.

Over 20,000 age out of the system at 18 years of age without ever having a family of their own.

November is Adoption and foster care month pass it on. My personal interest is that of an adoptive parent. God has bless my family through adoption in two ways. 1. He's given me two awesome children. 2. Spiritually it helped me understand how WE as believer are adopted as sons and daughter by our heavenly Father.

Do you have room in your life to make a difference in a child's life?

This is Rev. Jamal Bryant and me at that meeting.

The Journey

Its nearly four in the morning and I'm wide awake...WHY you asked all I can come up with is that the journey is getting too me.

There are days when the journey is tough, rough and well better just leave it there.

There are days when the journey is unreasonable and unmerciful.

There are too many days when the journey is selfish and uncooperating.

There are days when the journey doesn't understand the days struggles.

There are too many days when the journey is up and down and up and down.

Will the journey get better???

Will the journey ever get easier???

Will the journey ever cooperate???

Will there ever be a day when the journey and I will end the struggle???

Everybody has a journey they have to face each and everyday. Some enjoy the journey. Others struggle with the journey. Others have given up on the journey. Others have had to become medicaded for the journey. Others are glad for the journey.

All I can say is stay tune and watch the journey continue to unfold.

Good Morning

I'm Soooooooooooooooo Tired!!!

Today, I'm simply overwhelmed. Life has become unmanageable. I'm trying my best to get my life back on track but it seems like the more I attempt to do so the more resistance I encounter. I'm look for a way out!

Lord, please give me the strenght to hold on!

Happy Birthday

You know it doesn't make much sense

There ought to be a law against

Anyone who takes offense

At a day in your celebration'

Cause we all know in our minds

That there ought to be a time

That we can set aside

To show just how much we love you

And I'm sure you will agree

It couldn't fit more perfectly

Than to have a world party on the day you came to be...

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday

Janice

You're beautiful inside and out.

You've been there forever.

Your children love you.

Your grandchildren adore you.

I could never have done much of

what I've accomplish without you.

I love and adore you. Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday

One special beautiful roses among so many thorns. That's how I describe my sister Kristie Rae Gaddis. She grew up in a house full of boys and we didn't make it easy at all. If she wasn't having to take care of one of us, we were giving some unsuspected young man hell cause he wanted to date her. Kristie always had some poor soul wondering aimlessly behind her biding for her attention (Kiristie growing up put you in the mind of Thelma on "Good Times" she had the most beautiful eyes) so it was always someone around that we would have to run off after she got tired of him. That's when my older brother would alway come in handy.

Today is Kristie's birthday and this is her first birthday with Daddy in a very long time. You see daddy's birthday and my birthday is two days apart (August 8th and 10th). So each August we celebrated our birthdays together but today Kristi and daddy are celebrating together in heaven.

Happy Birthday Kristie

Suffering in Silence

My little sister sent me a USA Today article about that details a major problem among clergy called "Depression!". The writer states that many pastors suffer in silence with depression.

I want to just use this blog to share some very tough and very uncomfortable things that you may or my not know about the life of. Pastor.

"They believe they are not supposed to have depressing thoughts."

Being a pastor — a high-profile, high-stress job with nearly impossible expectations for success — can send one down the road to depression.

"We set the bar so high that most pastors can't achieve that," said H.B. London, vice president for pastoral ministries at Focus on the Family

And because most pastors are people-pleasers, they get frustrated and depressed and feel they can't live up to that.

When pastors fail to live up to demands imposed by themselves or others they often "turn their frustration back on themselves," leading to self-doubt and to feelings of failure and hopelessness, said Fred Smoot, executive director of Emory Clergy Care in Duluth, Ga.

A pastor is like "a 24-hour ER" who is supposed to be available to any congregant at any time, said Steve Scoggin, president of CareNet.

It's a job that breeds isolation and loneliness — the pastorate's "greatest occupational hazards,"

"The likelihood is that one out of every four pastors is depressed," said Matthew Stanford, a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Baylor University in Waco, Texas. But anxiety and depression in the pulpit are "markedly higher" in the last five years, said Smoot. "The current economic crisis has caused many of our pastors to go into depression." Besides the recession's strain on church budgets, depressed pastors increasingly report frustration over their congregations' resistance to cultural change.

Most depression does not lead to suicide, but almost all suicides begin with depression.

This was very helpful and much needed. I hope that this helps to give you a deeper appreciation for your pastor and his silent struggle. Pastors are people too! God Bless

I come 2 the Garden

Often times people say thing because (1) they like to hear themselves talk, (2) they never think you will ever take them up on their promise, (3) they want to cover up their past and (4) they want to feel good about themselves.

Jesus while on earth encountered some heart wrenching and heartbreaking situation. One of them was the terminations grief of his destiny. To die for the sin and shortcoming of all mankind. It is recorded in Matthew's gospel chapter 26, (the supper, Gethsemane and arrest). Jesus leaves the table after taking the bread and the cup giving us the clearest picture of what he came to do. And after singing a hymn they went out into the mount of Olives. Jesus tells of his pending suffering of the cross to which Peter answered "I will never forsake you" or another translation says "I never leave you." The Gaddis translation says "I got your back!"

Arriving in the garden he leaves the nine and takes three of his closest and dearest friend (Peter, James and John) further. Sharing his most intimate and most transparent feeling of over whelming grief "my soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death; tarry with me and watch with me." He goes a little farther and surrendered with the heaviest emotion ever known to this world. Only to find out in verse 40 that they sleep...could you know watch with me.

What happened?

Did they not take him serious?

Was the relationship not strong enough?

Were they simply not concerned?

What would cause those who are the closest to you not be there when you need them the most. Jesus is left to deal with his emotion own his own.
I come to the garden ALONE...

Wonderful God

I watched an fantastic report on Good Morning American (not my normal morning news source so I believe it was divinely appointed) on grief. It was a women health conference or something, but it was some of the nation's most recognizable women discussing their grief dealing with recent passing of love ones. Patrick Swayses (hope that spelled right) wife who was dealing with the long term illness of her husband and how she felt that she had prepared herself for his pending death...she called it the "death-walk." She quickly realized that the reality of death can't be prepared for no matter how long the illness lingers. Then there was the Governor's wife from California Kennedy who's Mother and Uncle passed. Her words were "the lost of my mother brought me to my knees." What amazing subject "grief" is, so broad, vast and mysterious. As I maneuver my way through this mase of emotion, struggling with the up and down of grief. The tug-a-war of mind and heart. I believe the Lord is molding and shaping me to do greater ministry. Often we quickly forget those that are grieving...after the limo ride is over, the cards of thanks have been sent, words of comfort slowly end, the house is empty and the flowers fade. Other go back to their lives and you are left trying to understand whether or not it has been all a bad dream or reality.

God is the ultimate teacher and life the ultimate classroom. Today open your eyes to the great lessons our heavenly Father is and always teaching.

May God richly bless you today.

Betrayal

I'm closer to 50 than I would like to admit. I've seen things come and go, styles change, clothing industry change, automobile industry change, technology change, media change, transportation change and the world change. We've gone from black folk severing in the White House to a black family living there. I'm one that embraces change and am excited about innovative and cuting-edge things and ideas. I'm always looking to for the next invention that allows us to work smarter, faster and not harder but I'm a firm believer that there are somethings that should never change. Three words: "Confidentiality," "Loyalty" and "Allegiance," whatever happened to those word. I know you must be thinking that I must have crawled out from under a rock but that's what my mother and father taught us. And sure ought to be the goal of every true child of God.

I was raised to keep my mouth closed and if someone thinks enough of you to share any thing with you in confidence you should die with it. I don't understand why someone would just disregard the trust and confidence you placed in them. Heres what I know it take time for some one to build a level of confidence in you but it only take a moment to tear it down.

I was raised that your "WORD" was all you have. My daddy would always say "Son, let your yes be yes and your no be no!" It was years before I knew that was biblical. Mutual respect is how I see it. Now its about getting what you can at any and everybody cost even if you have to betray trust. Doing what you have to do to get what you want - turning kind, innocent and trusting people into "TRICKS."

I also grew up when people would use the term "he's a good man or she's a good woman." What that meant was you could count on them. Faithful, trustworthy and they were people of integrity. Just good people. We all know them and respect them and hold them with high-esteem. Allegiance is hard to find and sure in heck doesn't pay. People will use you up and after they're done throw you away like some useless item. Heartless, senseless and unnecessary.

Here what I learned thus far this week...

The greatest danger in leadership is to start looking at yourself and lose sight of the vision or goal.

A snake, is a snake, is a snake and its nature will always show itself sooner or late. So don't put a snake in your bosom.

You never know who's in bed with who (figuratively). So be careful what you say.

People want so badly to find fault in others that if "THEY" can find the truth "THEY" will make up a lie.

You can't love somebody and not hurt when they are hurt and angry when they are angry. Sensitivity is a action word, not just something you say.

You can't spell confidentiality without spelling confident.

Loyalty is a very rare commodity, beware of people who walk around with a jar of vaseline.

Allegiance doesn't only sets you up for the ultimate prize...guess what "no grease."

I know this sound very crude and rude but that's been my experience this week.

A few more days...

He is strong

I'm praying that God will use His Word today to do something special in, through and for His people. When I am weak He is strong.

The Crash

"Angel Eyes" is one of the best movies I've ever watched, a few days ago I caught it running on one of those overpriced movie channels I pay for. Its a story of a man who walked away from a car wreck alive leaving his wife and son dead. He starts his life over by closing the door to his past and starting over. Literally, never returning to the house, job, friends and even changes his name. After many years his path cross AGAIN with a rough and crude female cop (played by Jennifer Lopez) who has worst baggage than he does...anger issues bouts of depression, not to mention sticking her nose where it doesn't belong and that's the tip of the iceberg. They began to hang-out, his past becomes a very intriguing thing for her. Thus she uncovers his horrific and horrible past and began to push him to deal with it. Then there was the crash...there are to crashes in this movie the first one was the one that took the lives of his family. The second was when she tries to push him to face his past.

Yesterday, I had one of the best days I have experience in recent days. It was as if things where coming together. The morning began with work but it was a pleasant task, lunch was pleasant as well (sandwich with no mayo), had to over look a few issues but no complains. Spent several productive hours at the office and then Young Zachary made a surprised visit. Janice and I had a enjoyable dinner catching up with our young college student. Later relaxed in front of a movie (so you know it doesn't get any better for me). I dose off then my eyes popped open and the crash began. Ever been on one of those rides at the state fair or six flags that slowly builds up then change direction with warp speed. That's it, exactly how I felt.

Highs are high and lows are low. I learned something several years ago in my ministry. There are some times after I've ministered the Word of God that I'm wide open and it is then that I'm as vulnerable to the attack of the enemy. So when I feel that I avoid shaking hand and putting myself in that situation. Its sort of like having a weak immune system and subjecting yourself to the daily germs people have. I'm beginning to feel the same way...dealing with the emotional hurt of bereavement. You have to protect yourself from the environment and the people you engage because they can either help or hurt. Not intentional but unintentional. We are unaware of how easily we can be used by the enemy to further afflict hurt in the very lives we desire to heal.

I saw a report about a young kid who was. Suffering with H1N1 and the news reporter along with his mom and dad visited him but what caught my eye was they wore hospital robes and mask. The reporter reported that they wore them in order to not infect the young child. I believe we should have hospital sense when dealing with hurting people so we don't hurt them any more.

Think I'm going to the movies...

Intensified

The word “Intensify” is a verb. It means “to make intense or more intense” or “to make more acute; strengthen or sharpen.” Related words are “intense, intensification, intensified, and intensifying.” Synonyms are “deepen, quicken, concentrate or aggravate.” Antonyms are “alleviate or weaken.” A sentence using the word “intensified” would sound something like this: “The press has intensified its scrutiny of the of the candidate’s background.”

Well, I been trying to work through my thoughts for today and that’s the word that came to mind to describe what I’ve experience the last 48 hours. Everything and I MEAN EVERYTHING has been “intensified.” If I’m mad, I’m furious. If I’m sad, I’m just emotionless. If I’m irritated, I’m just out of control.” Bereavement is a noun and you remember we were taught that a noun was a person, place or thing. Bereavement for me has become both a place and a thing. A place because I woke up one day and I was there in the land of bereavement. A thing because you can’t seem to put your finger on it, one moment it pops up here and the next there. I’m struggling my way through each day with this gigantic load.

You remember the 1958 Sci-Fi movie called “The Blob?” It’s pretty ridiculous but as a kid it was terrifying. The plot was a meteorite falls in the country of a small town, bringing a mysterious creature that resembles a giant Blob of jelly. And the more The Blob engulfs the bigger this jelly creature grew. That’s how these last few days have been, the bereavement (pain, sorrow and hurt) has dominated or controlled all the other emotions and devourers or swallows up all the other emotions. And it is getting bigger and bigger and bigger. It’s taking all of my energy.

The good news is that the town’s people got together and figured out a way to destroy “The Blob!” THE END!

PS The song is just another illustration of the "The Blob"

One More Word

I can't remember a time when I couldn't put together a sentence but I found myself speechless. I was asked a question the other day that if I could talk to anyone in the world who would it be? It didn't take long for me to come up with the individual but it paralyzed me, I couldn't say it. I was speechless. What that person didn't know was I had wished and prayed secretly to have just one more moment, one more second, one more conversation, one more talk, one more hug, one more ride, one more trip, one more nod of approval, one more meal, one more smile, one more handshake, one more hello, one more phone call, one more knock at my door, one more word, just one more time to hear my name fall from his lips.

You know what's crazy? That I know that the reality is that death has once again invaded our ranks and take the soul of our deceased but I struggle with it. I still look for him when I pass his the shop, when I drive by his house, when I walk up to his house to turn the light on/off. My mind and my heart are waring. For several morning I would awaken hoping it was all a dream.

We never know when our last time will be so make sure you express your love and appreciation to those whom you love cause you don't know when it might be your last time.

Sleepless Night

It's morning but a morning I'm not prepared for I'm tired. My mind wouldn't turn off last night or better yet this morning, no matter what I tried. It was like my mind and my emotions were playing some sick cat and mouse game. You ever seen a cat play with a mouse? Its the most twisted game I've ever seen. Everybody knows that cats chase mice its their nature but its the catch that tripped me out. The cat caught the mouse then let it go, only to recapture it again and again and again. Until it renders it helpless and lifeless. That's how I felt last night and way into the morning tossing and turning. Angry one moment, sad the next. Worried one moment and hurt the next. Pissed off one moment then pissed off even more the next.

The nerve of some "people." Yeap I said it! I'm learning a lot about human nature...this is not going to be any great revelation but here goes "people say one thing but do the total opposite." I've had people (people who I've seen BEND OVER and JUMP through flaming hoops for other people)come up to me and say that they understand and that they are there for me then in the same sentence or same day contradict what they just said. Don't get me wrong this is my blog and this is my way of expressing my thought at the particular moment. What does be there mean? Can anybody tell me? What does I'm here to help you mean? What does I'm here mean? Is help suppose to hurt? Theory doesn't work in the trenches...either you're in or you're not!

The Words Coming Out of My Mouth

I've tried my best to articulate how I feel but it just seem to get lost in the translation. I was blessed to travel to the Holy Land in the late 80's and it was the first time in my life that I felt helpless in communicating. There were time when our guide wasn't around and it became extremely difficult when you speak only one language. I had to revert back to my childhood and start trying to point or play sharades (not sure it that's the right spelling or not... you know the game). If I needed a restroom or a certain direction they wouldd just be standing there with this blank look on there face...smiling but having no earthly idea of the words coming out of my mouth.

Well, that's how I've felt these last few weeks. I'm not really a transparent person when it comes to my feeling and emotions. One because I wasn't brought up that way "what goes on in this house stays in this house" you know that song and two been there done that...I've shared things with people only to have them shared without my consent (if you know what I mean.) But I made up in my mind early in this journey that if I was going to successfully move through this I would have to do this with a level of transparency. Wow, there's goes that look again and I'm in america among my people.

Two reasons why:

1. I think that people are so afraid of the subject of death and so unfamiliar with grief that it creates a level of discomfort. If you listen carefully you can even hear them say "hurry up and get over it because you are making me feel uncomfortable." I remember as I little boy playing and falling and scrapping my leg and rolling over discovering blood flowing and hearing my Daddy voice saying get up boy you're okay. That's the feeling you almost get from people.

2. Can we really help and understand someone elses grief? Its it humanly possible for someone to comprehend my broken heart, broken spirit and broken dreams? Who can understand the fears and frustrations of a Marine fighting in a foreign country there to eliminate a enemy while saving civilian while walking in a minefield full of boob traps? Who can understands fears and frustrations of a surgeon who has the responsibility to take a person as close as possible to death's door and not allow the to walk through and then bring them back healed and healthier. Who knows how our president feels waking up every morning having to make his way to the Oval office with the whole world watching and waiting and with several million hoping you fail. Media criticing your every move from how you greet people, to what your wife wears, to the people you surround yourself with.

That's how I feel. 2009 didn't start out well for me with the building project coming to a halt. Then going through the blame game. Then to the attack game. Then the fight game. Then the evaluation of those I thought were my friends. I could go on but its is even exhausting going over this year. Nobody knows the days I struggled to just make it through the day or the night I just laid there with my eyes shut trying to sleep. Then to come to the close of this year and find my Daddy lifeless body. No sign, no signal, no warning...has just been all I can handle. It took all I could to make it through church yesterday knowing that it was men's day and there would be microphone empty. That I wouldn't be able to look up at him as proudly as he looked at me so many times. Yesterday I missed him so much. I know that there will be better days, I know too much about God not to believe that but you know what I hurt so bad and feel so lonely and misunderstood that its only made this experience darker.

The weight and life of ministry is a lonely one but the hurt and heartache of a son is a little too much to handle.

That's enough for now!

Chilly Winds

Today is Sunday...Sundays are the hardest and the toughest day for me because that was pretty much family day for the Gaddis family. All of our family dinner was at Daddy' house and he cooked on sunday. Daddy was so faithful to church never missed small group bible study and worship. Its been emotionally challenging to stand in Greater Bethel and not have my daddy there. I baptized him there. I taught him on sunday and wednesday there. We study together there in men's bible study there. There were many times when I saw that proud look on his face that made me so happy. There were times when I saw that look of utter shock and embarrassment when I said something I should not have said. There were time when he would just laugh and shake his head because he knew I was half way crazy. What sadden me the most is that his last days where filled with worry for me...I can hardly even type these word because my heart is so heavy. He would often come by and say "Son, I'm praying for you...its going to be okay. God is going to see us through!" See he wasn't only my Daddy he was my greatest supporter. It was in that church that my Daddy spoke his final words to me (I didn't know it but I think he may have had a hunch) he said "Son, I love you!"

Today, I will stand without my Daddy sitting in front of me pulling for me, praying for me, saying amen in support of the Word but those memories will forever live in my heart. Thank you Daddy and I love you too!

Chilly winds are driving me away. I'll go find the sun again someday. I'm going where I'll never have the blues. Chilly winds are driving me away.

Surrogates

Today has been an emotionally draining day. From the moment my eyes popped open there has been an million and one different feeling running uncontrollable through my being. Here's my thought after having a half a day to try to understand it all...each of us have a level of tolerance. When it comes to pain some people have a higher tolerance than others. When it comes to pressure some people have a higher tolerance than others (you get the picture?) Emotional overload is what happens when life throws you that curve that is that ultimate strikes you out or that blow that knocks you out.

I'm there! At the place that I have to scream "uncle!" The emotional pain has played itself out physically.

Now here the kicker...there's this movie call the "Surrogates," its a movie about the future of the world. A time when each person would have a surrogate host that a person could live through while never having to leave the comfort and safety of there home. Amazing thought when you think about it. You can look how ever you wish, small, skinny, dark, light, black, white. You could have several surrogates host bodies and change at will.

As the movie plot took shape I realized that luxury came a great cost. One, the surrogate host felt nothing. Two, the host could pretend to be whatever...you could change your color, size or gender. Three, the "host" people never saw sunlight and there skin began to look horrible. I won't ruin the end of the movie but I couldn't help but think that the movie was a prolific and profound picture of what's happening to our culture. We've become a uncaring and unfeeling generation. Walking around with these perfect faces, perfect lives and perfect families. While the painful reality was hidden behind our surrogate. We walk around pretending that in life some rain doesn't fall.

Notice the people who are hurting, broken and crying. Let's be honest about our feeling and emotions. Stop! Stop! Stop!

My mind is fried, so I hope this made some level of sense. If not please forgive me.

Not Today

I'm simply not feeling it today. I don't want to any parts of today. If I could lock myself up somewhere and close the shades I could be content. I just can't handle another thing. I'm numb and don't want to feel anything.

Rollacoastor

Exhausted was the word the other day but today it is emotional. My emotions are all over the place sad, hurt, mad, confused, lonely, anger, disappointment and suspicion. Some time. One at a time other times a combination of two or more. Funny how they connect themselves I'm understankin

Tug-A-War

I've been up sine 4 this morning and Exhausted is a word that describes how I feel. I'm simple tired. As a kid before technology we had to play outside and one of the game we played was "tug-a-war." Tug-a-war was a game that could be played with two or more players. It was one of those games where the more participant the better. It was best played in inter-class battles...one class against another or on the playground. One heavy duties rope and 10 to 15 people on both end and there you have it "tug-a-war." The game was rather simple, one team grabbed one end of the rope and the other team the other and up pulled until the other team gave up. It is an exhausting game because it is one of endurance. The winning team would put those who could hold out the longest at the end of the rope and those who had bursts of energy in the middle and then just pull and pull and pull.

Well that's simply how I've felt over the last few days. Oh, I almost forgot win or lose you knew you had been in a battle thus the name "tug-a-WAR!" Your entire body was exhausted, your arms, your legs and your hands. It was a battle. I'm exhausted.

I'm exhausted and weary of people asking me "how I'm doing or feeling" like over night this magically goes away. That some how God carves out 45 years of memories as you lay down to sleep one night and the next morning you wake up all better. Now don't get me wrong I know people understand that it doesn't work that way but sitting where I'm sitting it becomes exhausting. I promised myself that I wasn't going to fall into that lie and start saying that I was alright until I was REALLY alright. I have that right and if the people aren't able to handle it so be it. So here's the answer "I'm NOT alright, okay!" Its almost like people are saying hurry up already and get over it. Interesting thing though they aren't the ones in this cloud of grief. Its like that sobering limo ride to the cemetery. Every time I make that ride I watch the people on the streets and in the other car forced to pull over to the side of the road they are unaware of your pain and could careless they are even ticked about the inconvenience of having to pull over and wait for procession. That's it grief is an inconvenience to those who are around you because they need to move on.

Move on but leave me alone. Nobody knows better than me that I have got to get a handle on this, but its hard. Its a war and I'm wounded and there are bombs exploding all around us. People are running to safety. Its every man for himself and there I am laying there wounded and nobody even notices how severely I am wounded.

Sunrise is between 715 and 730. It a "tug-a-war."

Another Days Journey

The old church use to sing a song that said "this is another days journey and I'm glad about it." As my eyes popped opened my heart began to race, why I'm really not sure. Maybe its the anticipation of what's next..."Waiting on the next shoe to drop" as the old people use to say. My life has never been what you would call normal or calm. As far as I can remember my life has been everything but simple. I can hardly remember a time when I didn't feel the pressure of life. I'm not complain much but I think things are magnified by the passing of my "Daddy" I'm having to deal with.

I'm tired! See I said it. I'm tired of the confusion. I'm tired of hurting, crying and remembering. I'm tried of everything and everybody. I'm tired of having to hold everybody up, hold everybodies hand and the pressure of having to be there. How's there for me? When I hurt? When I'm the one who is crying? When I'm the one who needs answers and directions? When I'm the one who needs a shoulder to cry on and lean on? I'm tired of fight the mounting emotions that seems to just take over like a flood.

Yesterday at 6pm I lost it simple because I knew 60 mins was on. My Dad loved that show and every sunday you could find him sitting down enjoying it. I miss him. Yesterday I stood and attempted to preach and the emotion of him not being there was hard. People have their lives and things have to go on but it still hurts.

I laid here as long as I could waiting on the sun to rise but I guess the season is changing and the sun is a little late. "Its another days journey and I'm..."

PS...Last night Sister Rosie "moma" Jones went home after 91 years. Thank you for so much. Sweetest woman I ever known and one I knew had a genuine relationship with the Lord!

Rainy Days

"Reality sucks" is a catch phrase in pop culture today, I'm not sure what that means for sure but it just might describe how I feel today. The enemy is relentless, he is cruel and heartless. Life is hard but it become even more difficult when you discover that there are people around you that you can't trust. Those horrible "knives you have pull out of your back." No needed for CSI we all know. The pain and disappointment almost is overwhelming. Do they ever that a vacation, time off or even sleep. I need a break, isn't there somebody else that THEY can talk about? When will THEY turn their eyes to another victim? I AM SICK OF "THEY!" Enough of that...may revisit that later.

Its been raining for hours and I love water but there are times when I am overcome by the affects of it the gloom and the clouds they seems to fight to attach themselves to my emotions. I'm not sure how I feel this morning, wrestled most of the night tried to pray but right now I feel inadequate in just about every area of my life. I really not sure if I'm strong enough to preach this morning? Part of me is excited about the possibilities the other part is scared of the outcome. I'm emotionally spent but I'm standing on God's Word. "God grace is sufficient"

As I continue to sit and listen to the rain falling from the sky I can only think of the cute nursery rhyme "Rain, rain go away. Please come back another day!"

The Week

Its been a week since I found the lifeless body of my Dad. Wow, I said it. I can hardly even believe it. Where has the days gone, it seem to have just vanished. This morning as I waited on the sunrise I couldn't even remember what day it was and other days I awaken to the thought of "has this been one long nightmare." Its REAL!

The sun is up people are moving. I hear the cars passing and life goes on. Tough things to swallow when you are stuck emotionally to handle your loss, your broken family, your broken heart and your broken hopes. Having to deal with the emotional pain of wanting laugh and wanting to cry at the same time. Wanting to remember but the memories be so painful that you want to forget.

Two of the most painful thought this week was when I waked out to preach thursday evening knowing my dad wouldn't be there was very hard to get by. Also my first thought this morning after what day is this was I'll have to drive by and not see him cutting hair in the shop.

My aunt and cousin boarded a plan bounded for home this morning. Things are deafly quite strange sound given the last seven days!

Sadness

As I watch another sunrise I face it with great heaviness. To simply walk throughout the day in a seemingly cloud. Strangely being affected by a world that has continued to keep going on. Each morning the hardest thing I have to do is force my feet to move. Confused with how I feel...a question that continues to be asked "how you feeling?" For once in my life I really don't know they have just been so out of control. One minute the motion is overwhelming grief then anger then sadness then dissapointment, then question. Its been like a rollacoater but its one ride I wish I could get off.

Feelings

In a few hours I’ll began this unwelcome journey. I know that sounds selfish but I just want to be right now. Today, has been a day I will remember for the rest of my life but would love to forget. Family and friends where in and out but I felt as lonely as I’ve ever felt. I will soon lay down another night without sleep coming. Again, tonight I drove up to dad’s house and turn the porch light on because I just can’t stand driving by and not seeing the light on. I know that he’s in a better place. Nobody knows that better than me. All of my life I prayed that he would open his heart to Jesus Christ and fall in love with him. I took him in church and baptized him. I was an I witness of the truth of God’s word that says “if any man be in Christ he is a new creature…” but I still hurt, still sad and still cry.

I Love You Daddy

August 8, 1936 - September 25, 2009

Thank you for everything you taught me.

Thank you for cheering me.

Thank you for loving me.

Thank you for praying for me.

Thank you for helping me.

Thank you for showing me the way.

Thank you for allowing me to share Christ with you.

Thank you for the honor of baptizing you.

Thank you for the pleasure to be your pastor.

But most of all I thank God for being your son!

Just Do It

This past weekend I had the pleasure and the privilege of sharing the stage with Dr. Mary Ann Bauman. Dr. Bauman is the epitome of BIG things sometimes comes in small packages. She has a wonderful spirit, beautiful smile and an awesome gift!

After I spoke on Honor and Health and share the health concerns facing African American in this country. We’re dying at an alarming rate and those who aren’t dying are suffering horrible futures. Dr. Bauman took the stage and gave the most powerful presentation with care and concern. She is in the right profession. She loves people and was so profounded and practical at the same time. She will definitely be back.

Here’s who the good doctor is: Dr. Bauman received her medical degree from Wayne State University in Detroit, Michigan in 1978. For nine years, she served in a variety of teaching, practice, and administrative positions on medical school faculties including Wayne State University, the University of South Dakota, and the University of Oklahoma. In 1991, she joined Baptist Medical Center, which later became INTEGRIS Health Inc. as Medical Director of the Women’s Center and is now the Medical Director for Women’s Health and Community Relations. She is board certified in Internal Medicine and maintains an active primary care practice.

Dr. Bauman is featured daily on Oklahoma’s New9 call the daily dose. She also serves on the Editorial Board of Medical Economics magazine Dr. Bauman is the author of Fight Fatigue—Six Simple Steps to Maximize Your Energy.

Most of all she has a genuine concern for people. You could just feel her passion as you spoke. Our city is truly blessed to have her. Pray that we can join together to take this to the community in a way that will change the lives of the people.

I’m excited about approaching the 4th Quarter this upcoming weekend. In the 1st Quarter we looked at the spiritual “How to handle God’s divine playbook.” In the 2nd Quarter we looked at the emotional “Handling Life’s most horrible hits.” In the 3rd Quarter we looked at the physical “Just Do It.” This weekend will be the climax of our series called “Get In the Game.” Then we will move into our next brand new series I’m call “Get Rich Quick or Die Trying!”

The Most Creative Place In the Universe

I’m afforded many things as the Pastor of the Greater Bethel Church and I’m thankful for ALL of them. I realize that the membership has put their trust and confidence in me and I am very humbled by that. One of the things that the people that I’m proud and privileged to lead allow me to do is be creative. I’m serious! Even though I know that it frightens and scares (the you know what out of them) they give me the creative licensing to flow in whatever the Spirit leads. Sometime it’s very traditional, other times it’s very contemporary and then there are the time when it’s simply off the wall.

Here’s what I heard Ed Young of Fellowship Church Grapevine, TX http://www.fellowshipchurch.com/ say in a conference once, “change is a necessary catalyst for our growth, maturity and development. Although we experience changes almost daily, there is something that never changes. From eternity to eternity, God remains a constant. Simply put: God is.

But the same cannot and should not be said of the church. The methodology must change in order to meet the changing contour of the world around it. In short: Churches evolves.”

That’s why I believe that as leaders of the church, we must be willing to facilitate that evolution.

Earlier this year the enemy hit me at the very foundation of my ministry. My reaction sad to say, wasn’t as I would have had it. I withdrew and became very depressed, disappointed and hurt which in turned effected what God had deposited inside of me. After months of licking my wounds and asking God, “Why,” I realized what the enemy was after. I realized that what the enemy was after was the ministry and the creativity that God has trusted me with.

How did I get back to some level of normality? (Healing is a process…)

1. The Holy Spirit through one of Mentors taught me a passage of scripture Romans 12: 1 “Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” The help was in “to offer your body as a living sacrifice.” At that moment I had to ask myself was I actively doing that or was I fighting what God wanted to do in, through and for my life.

2. I had to stop asking “WHY!” I had several shouting fits with God about this question (WHY). I know that you’ve never done that but I couldn’t rationalize why God would lead me to do something and then walk away. I’ve never been so certain of a thing; I know that this is of God. So then why would the one who lead me then appear to have disappeared on me?

3. I had to start asking “TO WHAT END!” How did I get to the next question? God told me He owed me no explanations that He was God and I wasn’t. Second that Faith doesn't require that I understand it; it only requires that I STAND UPON IT (Hebrews 11).

4. I had to give myself back to the ministry that God has given me. Ultimately, the enemy wanted to destroy the ministry that God has entrusted me with. At first I became like “the man who had received the one talent came…. Who was afraid and went out and hid your talent in the ground.”

5. I had to reevaluate and reexamine the people I allowed in my inter-circle [those who could speak into my life]. The people you allow in you life can make or break you, determine your success or failure. I realized that when things are going well the people in your life aren’t that important because the bad people are only riding never adding. It is in the most challenging times of your life when you discover who your real friends are and those who are really in your corner. Those who are really for you are REALLY FOR YOU! Here what that looks like they never change their option nor their support because they understand that circumstances doesn’t always have too look like where you’re going.

Hitting The Pause Button

Taking time for family and friend is very important. After a very long week it was time for a break. Hanging out with our friends Pastor Vance and Bev Roland. They've been our friends for a long time. We've attended the E K Bailey Expository Preaching Conference together for the last few years together. Good friends are a blessing. I've had the privileged to preach their anniversary for the last six year and have seen God breathe on their ministry both numerical, physically and spiritually.

I'm excited about the sermon tomorrow...part 3 of Get In The Game!

This Trip is a TRIP

What happens when your trip has been a TRIP? Trouble, trails and temptation doesn't care whether you are home or away. We some time think that a change of location will make a difference. Sunday I couldn't wait to get away but monday I realized that no matter how far I was away that disappointment, discouragement and depression is no respector of distance.

Here's are some random thought on what hounds my every hour and weights heavy on my heart...

Why does it seem like love isn't enough?

Why isn't true friendship the order of the day?

Why can't people JUST be honest?

Why isn't hard work appreciated any more?

Why are people so unforgiven?

Why did it take 70 days for Michael Jackson and they still will not let him rest?

Why did Michael Vick (No. 7) have to spent 2year in prison to be released to enter but another prison...the unending negative voices of the media and public?

Why would someone walk into a church to brutally kill a pastor who has given her life to building the kingdom the God and help make the word a better place.

Casting Our Vote

After nearly two hours I have just cast one of three votes that the Greater Bethel Baptist Church was eligible to cast in this 129th session of the National Baptist Convention, USA Inc. (NBC)

This particular year there has been great debate over the office of the president in the NBC. The race began with four Pastors asking the delegates to cast their votes in their favor (Past President Henry Lyons, Vice President at-large Julius Scruggs, Congress President Holmes and Dr. Stephen Nash). By January because of a small but huge oversight on President Holmes campaign team he was disqualify from the race. Later I'm not sure when but Dr. Nash drop out of the race. Leaving Julius Scruggs and Henry Lyons, as the race heated up at our National Congress as pastors, churches and delegates began the great debate. What debate you ask? Very interesting story if you are not aware former president Henry Lyons served as president of NBC but was convicted and sentence 2 sever several year in federal prison. The great debate is whether or not he should have the chance to become president or not. There are those who believe in total forgiveness with no strings attached. While others believe in forgiveness but not forget-NESS. One group says the church must forgive, while the other group says we forgive BUT we don't have to forget what you did. It has been intriguing to listen to the conversation and at time heated conversation.

I have just cast my vote for Dr. Julius R. Scruggs to be our next president.

Official Voters Card

this is the official delegate voter's ticket to cast my vote for the 129th National Baptist Convention USA, Inc.

It A Rough Job

I have been in line over an hour and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. This young lady couldn't take any more. There has been people who traveled from all over the country many getting here today. By bus,car, plane and train. Worn and weary but come to do our baptist duty.

National Baptist Convention

Today I cast my vote for our National Baptist Convention President. The lines are long as you can see from picture. My back is killing me. This meeting has been full of a lot of standing and sitting. After pulling bags to, from and through the airport monday. I decided to go straight to registration to beat the crowd. I stood in three long lines 1st to fill out registration form then to pay registration, then to pay registration and then to pick up packages. Day two standing in line to pick up voters cards. Now, I'm standing to cast my vote. Not complaining just in pain in hopes that writing this will keep my mind off the pain shoting down my back to my legs. Guess you see how that's workin out. I will only follow this up with sitting for hours to hear our current president Dr William J Shaw give his annual address.

I final thought I hate rude people how are suppose to be serving. Why would you work in the service industry and not be willing to do your job with the right atitude.

Then when is it ever right to bump into a person and not acknowlege that you did it?

HELL ITS JUST ONE OF THOSE DAYS

Life is a mixture, combination, blend, and mishmash of times when life couldn’t get any better and of times when life couldn’t get any worst. Life is certainly series of ups as well as downs, you can be up in the morning and down by noon day. Life is just like that, one never knows what may be just beyond the next bend. The winds of life will change rather abruptly and without warning.

One moment the sun is shining, and the birds are singing and the flowers are blooming and the gentle breezes blowing in the morning but in a moment in a twinkling of an eye…all hell can break out…dark clouds roll in, harsh rains begin to fall, devastating winds begin to blow and lighting begin to flash.

There is an old Arab parable that says: “All sunshine and no rain makes a desert." In other words if you never have any down times, dark times, gloomy times in your life you'll be dried up. You'll have no depth to yourself, no maturity and no wisdom. I KNOW...It takes both the good times and bad times, the thrill of victory and the agnoy of defeat, success and failure, mountian top and valleys to make a mature person.

BUT THERE ARE SOMEDAYS WHEN I'M NOT FEELING IT...