Well that's simply how I've felt over the last few days. Oh, I almost forgot win or lose you knew you had been in a battle thus the name "tug-a-WAR!" Your entire body was exhausted, your arms, your legs and your hands. It was a battle. I'm exhausted.
I'm exhausted and weary of people asking me "how I'm doing or feeling" like over night this magically goes away. That some how God carves out 45 years of memories as you lay down to sleep one night and the next morning you wake up all better. Now don't get me wrong I know people understand that it doesn't work that way but sitting where I'm sitting it becomes exhausting. I promised myself that I wasn't going to fall into that lie and start saying that I was alright until I was REALLY alright. I have that right and if the people aren't able to handle it so be it. So here's the answer "I'm NOT alright, okay!" Its almost like people are saying hurry up already and get over it. Interesting thing though they aren't the ones in this cloud of grief. Its like that sobering limo ride to the cemetery. Every time I make that ride I watch the people on the streets and in the other car forced to pull over to the side of the road they are unaware of your pain and could careless they are even ticked about the inconvenience of having to pull over and wait for procession. That's it grief is an inconvenience to those who are around you because they need to move on.
Move on but leave me alone. Nobody knows better than me that I have got to get a handle on this, but its hard. Its a war and I'm wounded and there are bombs exploding all around us. People are running to safety. Its every man for himself and there I am laying there wounded and nobody even notices how severely I am wounded.
Sunrise is between 715 and 730. It a "tug-a-war."
1 comment:
Morning Pastor:
I have read your past few blogs and actually this is my second time ever reading it.
Ok so here I go. It really hurts me to know that you are hurting so deeply no matter what the situation is, but in this instance I know where you are coming from. It really bothered me to see you like this, but you hurt just like anyone else, you bleed just anyone else, you cry and have feelings just like anyone else, you can’t be the pastor all the time you have good and bad days just like anyone else, ups and downs, in and outs, financial and personal problems just like anyone else and yes you suffer death in your family just like anyone else. Yes it hurts, how long I don’t have that answer. I still hurt from losing my dad and mom. I find myself picking up the phone to call mom to see how she’s doing. The first time I called I got the recording the number you have dialed is no longer in services, boy was that a blow and knife to my heart. Then when we starting cleaning out the house at first it was ok, but when we got closer to getting everything gone I would lose it because I could see her things were gone, I still had the memories but the fiscal things were gone. I drive by every time on my way to church and can see myself sitting on the front porch with mom, my sister or even just the family. I can remember running up and down the street when I was young and knew to be in before the street light became bright. I remember how hard my parents worked to provide for me (I was a little spoiled). But most of all I remember. No one will ever take away you memories that is something that will last forever.
I remember when you came to visit me when mom died and you told me that it’s going to hurt and some days I will not feel like doing anything but cry, but that I do have the right to cry, and some days its going to hurt. I cried for weeks and I still cry and I still hurt and it’s been a year this past month. You have 45 years of memories so pastor you cry for as long as you need, I understand.
Love Ya
Donna Rolls
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