I’ve simply been avoiding not neglecting this blog. Why, you ask? It was my frail, futile and foolish attempt to side step the emotional turmoil I’m experiencing. For several reason…[1] I’ve never been here before, [2] It is incredibly painful, [3] I’m a man, [4] I’m a pastor, [5] I’m the local theologian in my church, [6] My siblings are counting on me, [7] The people closest to me have no idea what to do, [8] People I thought I could count on have been absent, [9] Life pauses for no man and I will restrain myself from doing the predictable thing a preacher and skip number 10.
Like many people, I’m in the darkness moments and seasons in my life. A season that I would have loved to skip, there have been times when I’m had to face some lonesome day and the dark nights and prayed for my own time machine so I can either go back where I was happy, or fast forward anywhere in the future where I can find myself again. Funny huh? There is no such machine invented and the only way to move from the terrible, horrible place where I stand is to go through the dare tunnel ahead.
I’m sure you’ve heard people say, “God won’t put more on you than you can bear!” Is that really comforting? Should that bring absolute joy? I know that sound cynical but let’s step back for a moment and think. Where is the hope in that, when my heart is broken, crushed, bruised, and abused? Do I really want to engage God at that level? What in the hell does that mean? Is there anybody in this universe that’s looking forward to God maxing you out? Let me walk you through that…the lovely statement that “Christians and Non-Christians” make as they attempt to give you this cute little box that is wrapped so beautiful with a bow and everything to help minister and soothe and comfort you in your darkest hour, here it goes, “God won’t put more on you than you can bear!” I’ve worked out many, many years and at times hired a weight and cardio trainer to kick start after a plateau. The trainer’s job was to push my body to levels it has never gone before. After a long week of training on the last day of the week would be max day…the testing day of my limits, stamina and endurance. Every muscle, tissue, cell and fiber of your body is tested, pushed until I reached failure. You see when the trainer sees that I had reached my max he would always call for more. The trainer would see more in me than I was able under extreme pressure in myself and would often times put a hand on the bar to assist me. I would be so glad to drop that weight or prop that bar up but in the heat of the battle, in the pain of the push and the strain in the struggle it was the most gut wrenching experience.
Truth be told that where the rubber meets the road and all the cute quote that people around you throw at you won’t help heal the heartache, heartbreak and hardship. Many times we do more harm than good. How? Glad you asked…
Do not constantly ask “How are you doing?” If that particular moment you’re having the best moment you’ve had in a while, guess what…you’re remind of your pain. Let people express their feel to you and you just be willing to listen. [Don’t ruin a good moment they are far and in between.
Learn and anticipate what they need. Sometime they will need you close and other time far, far away [don’t take it personal]. If you care and love this person you have to become selfless to really help.
Be there! Be there! Be there! I can say that enough. One of the first things a person who has experienced an emotional blow needs is fake and phony friends. We all have them people who you’ve stood with, share with and supped with in there seasons of sorrow and when the tables are turned they’re not there. What a blow!
Be understanding and compassionate. Similar experiences are just that SIMILAR experiences. We all have parents but we have difference and unique relationships with them. Yours is not like mine and mine is not like yours, while we both have parents. It is not comforting to hear in the early stages of grief and bereavement that you understand because you had a love one pass on before.
Know that grief is a process. As I said earlier “Life pauses for no man,” and while you’re going to work, moving and shaking. Your love one could be caught in a dungeon of despair, a web of worry, a pit of pressure, fortress of frustration and a guillotine of guilt, gloom and grief. Don’t be guilty of becoming their psychologist, just fill your role in their life.
Most importantly remember that brokenness, grief, suffering, pain, darkness, guilt and many of the other emotional issues we face in life can’t always be seen by the naked eye. We sometime are guilty of wanting to see them better before their really better. We want to see them happy before they are really happy. To the point of telling people when their situation comes up in conversation, “Naw, they’re alright!” Don’t allow you judgment base upon the fact that they laughed because sometime they have to laugh to keep from crying. Don’t base it on the fact that they go back to their routine because that’s what’s expected. I’ll tell you more about this but I was at a conference and the subject of children coping with crisis came up and the statement was made that most people think children bounce back from crises fairly easy. If they return back to playing, laughing, interacting…you know base to their “old selves” then we assume they’re okay. But not true many simply disguise, camouflage, hid and mask their emotional struggle by acting like those who are around them expect them too. Just because the scares are not visible to the naked eyes doesn’t make them any less real or even worst painful.
Let me close by saying I trust that God knows just how much I can bear…but I wonder everyday how will I deal with this awful feeling of brokenness? How will I ever move on? How on earth will I ever smile again? I wish I could give credit to the writer of this but it alludes me at this moment but this has comforted me at this moment: “Yes, I understand why things had to happen this way. I understand his reason for causing me pain. But mere understanding does not chase away the hurt. It does not call upon the sun when dark clouds have loomed over me. Let the rain come then if it must come! And let it wash away the dust that hurt my eyes!” Bye
Like many people, I’m in the darkness moments and seasons in my life. A season that I would have loved to skip, there have been times when I’m had to face some lonesome day and the dark nights and prayed for my own time machine so I can either go back where I was happy, or fast forward anywhere in the future where I can find myself again. Funny huh? There is no such machine invented and the only way to move from the terrible, horrible place where I stand is to go through the dare tunnel ahead.
I’m sure you’ve heard people say, “God won’t put more on you than you can bear!” Is that really comforting? Should that bring absolute joy? I know that sound cynical but let’s step back for a moment and think. Where is the hope in that, when my heart is broken, crushed, bruised, and abused? Do I really want to engage God at that level? What in the hell does that mean? Is there anybody in this universe that’s looking forward to God maxing you out? Let me walk you through that…the lovely statement that “Christians and Non-Christians” make as they attempt to give you this cute little box that is wrapped so beautiful with a bow and everything to help minister and soothe and comfort you in your darkest hour, here it goes, “God won’t put more on you than you can bear!” I’ve worked out many, many years and at times hired a weight and cardio trainer to kick start after a plateau. The trainer’s job was to push my body to levels it has never gone before. After a long week of training on the last day of the week would be max day…the testing day of my limits, stamina and endurance. Every muscle, tissue, cell and fiber of your body is tested, pushed until I reached failure. You see when the trainer sees that I had reached my max he would always call for more. The trainer would see more in me than I was able under extreme pressure in myself and would often times put a hand on the bar to assist me. I would be so glad to drop that weight or prop that bar up but in the heat of the battle, in the pain of the push and the strain in the struggle it was the most gut wrenching experience.
Truth be told that where the rubber meets the road and all the cute quote that people around you throw at you won’t help heal the heartache, heartbreak and hardship. Many times we do more harm than good. How? Glad you asked…
Do not constantly ask “How are you doing?” If that particular moment you’re having the best moment you’ve had in a while, guess what…you’re remind of your pain. Let people express their feel to you and you just be willing to listen. [Don’t ruin a good moment they are far and in between.
Learn and anticipate what they need. Sometime they will need you close and other time far, far away [don’t take it personal]. If you care and love this person you have to become selfless to really help.
Be there! Be there! Be there! I can say that enough. One of the first things a person who has experienced an emotional blow needs is fake and phony friends. We all have them people who you’ve stood with, share with and supped with in there seasons of sorrow and when the tables are turned they’re not there. What a blow!
Be understanding and compassionate. Similar experiences are just that SIMILAR experiences. We all have parents but we have difference and unique relationships with them. Yours is not like mine and mine is not like yours, while we both have parents. It is not comforting to hear in the early stages of grief and bereavement that you understand because you had a love one pass on before.
Know that grief is a process. As I said earlier “Life pauses for no man,” and while you’re going to work, moving and shaking. Your love one could be caught in a dungeon of despair, a web of worry, a pit of pressure, fortress of frustration and a guillotine of guilt, gloom and grief. Don’t be guilty of becoming their psychologist, just fill your role in their life.
Most importantly remember that brokenness, grief, suffering, pain, darkness, guilt and many of the other emotional issues we face in life can’t always be seen by the naked eye. We sometime are guilty of wanting to see them better before their really better. We want to see them happy before they are really happy. To the point of telling people when their situation comes up in conversation, “Naw, they’re alright!” Don’t allow you judgment base upon the fact that they laughed because sometime they have to laugh to keep from crying. Don’t base it on the fact that they go back to their routine because that’s what’s expected. I’ll tell you more about this but I was at a conference and the subject of children coping with crisis came up and the statement was made that most people think children bounce back from crises fairly easy. If they return back to playing, laughing, interacting…you know base to their “old selves” then we assume they’re okay. But not true many simply disguise, camouflage, hid and mask their emotional struggle by acting like those who are around them expect them too. Just because the scares are not visible to the naked eyes doesn’t make them any less real or even worst painful.
Let me close by saying I trust that God knows just how much I can bear…but I wonder everyday how will I deal with this awful feeling of brokenness? How will I ever move on? How on earth will I ever smile again? I wish I could give credit to the writer of this but it alludes me at this moment but this has comforted me at this moment: “Yes, I understand why things had to happen this way. I understand his reason for causing me pain. But mere understanding does not chase away the hurt. It does not call upon the sun when dark clouds have loomed over me. Let the rain come then if it must come! And let it wash away the dust that hurt my eyes!” Bye
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