Suffering in Silence

My little sister sent me a USA Today article about that details a major problem among clergy called "Depression!". The writer states that many pastors suffer in silence with depression.

I want to just use this blog to share some very tough and very uncomfortable things that you may or my not know about the life of. Pastor.

"They believe they are not supposed to have depressing thoughts."

Being a pastor — a high-profile, high-stress job with nearly impossible expectations for success — can send one down the road to depression.

"We set the bar so high that most pastors can't achieve that," said H.B. London, vice president for pastoral ministries at Focus on the Family

And because most pastors are people-pleasers, they get frustrated and depressed and feel they can't live up to that.

When pastors fail to live up to demands imposed by themselves or others they often "turn their frustration back on themselves," leading to self-doubt and to feelings of failure and hopelessness, said Fred Smoot, executive director of Emory Clergy Care in Duluth, Ga.

A pastor is like "a 24-hour ER" who is supposed to be available to any congregant at any time, said Steve Scoggin, president of CareNet.

It's a job that breeds isolation and loneliness — the pastorate's "greatest occupational hazards,"

"The likelihood is that one out of every four pastors is depressed," said Matthew Stanford, a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Baylor University in Waco, Texas. But anxiety and depression in the pulpit are "markedly higher" in the last five years, said Smoot. "The current economic crisis has caused many of our pastors to go into depression." Besides the recession's strain on church budgets, depressed pastors increasingly report frustration over their congregations' resistance to cultural change.

Most depression does not lead to suicide, but almost all suicides begin with depression.

This was very helpful and much needed. I hope that this helps to give you a deeper appreciation for your pastor and his silent struggle. Pastors are people too! God Bless

I come 2 the Garden

Often times people say thing because (1) they like to hear themselves talk, (2) they never think you will ever take them up on their promise, (3) they want to cover up their past and (4) they want to feel good about themselves.

Jesus while on earth encountered some heart wrenching and heartbreaking situation. One of them was the terminations grief of his destiny. To die for the sin and shortcoming of all mankind. It is recorded in Matthew's gospel chapter 26, (the supper, Gethsemane and arrest). Jesus leaves the table after taking the bread and the cup giving us the clearest picture of what he came to do. And after singing a hymn they went out into the mount of Olives. Jesus tells of his pending suffering of the cross to which Peter answered "I will never forsake you" or another translation says "I never leave you." The Gaddis translation says "I got your back!"

Arriving in the garden he leaves the nine and takes three of his closest and dearest friend (Peter, James and John) further. Sharing his most intimate and most transparent feeling of over whelming grief "my soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death; tarry with me and watch with me." He goes a little farther and surrendered with the heaviest emotion ever known to this world. Only to find out in verse 40 that they sleep...could you know watch with me.

What happened?

Did they not take him serious?

Was the relationship not strong enough?

Were they simply not concerned?

What would cause those who are the closest to you not be there when you need them the most. Jesus is left to deal with his emotion own his own.
I come to the garden ALONE...

Wonderful God

I watched an fantastic report on Good Morning American (not my normal morning news source so I believe it was divinely appointed) on grief. It was a women health conference or something, but it was some of the nation's most recognizable women discussing their grief dealing with recent passing of love ones. Patrick Swayses (hope that spelled right) wife who was dealing with the long term illness of her husband and how she felt that she had prepared herself for his pending death...she called it the "death-walk." She quickly realized that the reality of death can't be prepared for no matter how long the illness lingers. Then there was the Governor's wife from California Kennedy who's Mother and Uncle passed. Her words were "the lost of my mother brought me to my knees." What amazing subject "grief" is, so broad, vast and mysterious. As I maneuver my way through this mase of emotion, struggling with the up and down of grief. The tug-a-war of mind and heart. I believe the Lord is molding and shaping me to do greater ministry. Often we quickly forget those that are grieving...after the limo ride is over, the cards of thanks have been sent, words of comfort slowly end, the house is empty and the flowers fade. Other go back to their lives and you are left trying to understand whether or not it has been all a bad dream or reality.

God is the ultimate teacher and life the ultimate classroom. Today open your eyes to the great lessons our heavenly Father is and always teaching.

May God richly bless you today.

Betrayal

I'm closer to 50 than I would like to admit. I've seen things come and go, styles change, clothing industry change, automobile industry change, technology change, media change, transportation change and the world change. We've gone from black folk severing in the White House to a black family living there. I'm one that embraces change and am excited about innovative and cuting-edge things and ideas. I'm always looking to for the next invention that allows us to work smarter, faster and not harder but I'm a firm believer that there are somethings that should never change. Three words: "Confidentiality," "Loyalty" and "Allegiance," whatever happened to those word. I know you must be thinking that I must have crawled out from under a rock but that's what my mother and father taught us. And sure ought to be the goal of every true child of God.

I was raised to keep my mouth closed and if someone thinks enough of you to share any thing with you in confidence you should die with it. I don't understand why someone would just disregard the trust and confidence you placed in them. Heres what I know it take time for some one to build a level of confidence in you but it only take a moment to tear it down.

I was raised that your "WORD" was all you have. My daddy would always say "Son, let your yes be yes and your no be no!" It was years before I knew that was biblical. Mutual respect is how I see it. Now its about getting what you can at any and everybody cost even if you have to betray trust. Doing what you have to do to get what you want - turning kind, innocent and trusting people into "TRICKS."

I also grew up when people would use the term "he's a good man or she's a good woman." What that meant was you could count on them. Faithful, trustworthy and they were people of integrity. Just good people. We all know them and respect them and hold them with high-esteem. Allegiance is hard to find and sure in heck doesn't pay. People will use you up and after they're done throw you away like some useless item. Heartless, senseless and unnecessary.

Here what I learned thus far this week...

The greatest danger in leadership is to start looking at yourself and lose sight of the vision or goal.

A snake, is a snake, is a snake and its nature will always show itself sooner or late. So don't put a snake in your bosom.

You never know who's in bed with who (figuratively). So be careful what you say.

People want so badly to find fault in others that if "THEY" can find the truth "THEY" will make up a lie.

You can't love somebody and not hurt when they are hurt and angry when they are angry. Sensitivity is a action word, not just something you say.

You can't spell confidentiality without spelling confident.

Loyalty is a very rare commodity, beware of people who walk around with a jar of vaseline.

Allegiance doesn't only sets you up for the ultimate prize...guess what "no grease."

I know this sound very crude and rude but that's been my experience this week.

A few more days...

He is strong

I'm praying that God will use His Word today to do something special in, through and for His people. When I am weak He is strong.

The Crash

"Angel Eyes" is one of the best movies I've ever watched, a few days ago I caught it running on one of those overpriced movie channels I pay for. Its a story of a man who walked away from a car wreck alive leaving his wife and son dead. He starts his life over by closing the door to his past and starting over. Literally, never returning to the house, job, friends and even changes his name. After many years his path cross AGAIN with a rough and crude female cop (played by Jennifer Lopez) who has worst baggage than he does...anger issues bouts of depression, not to mention sticking her nose where it doesn't belong and that's the tip of the iceberg. They began to hang-out, his past becomes a very intriguing thing for her. Thus she uncovers his horrific and horrible past and began to push him to deal with it. Then there was the crash...there are to crashes in this movie the first one was the one that took the lives of his family. The second was when she tries to push him to face his past.

Yesterday, I had one of the best days I have experience in recent days. It was as if things where coming together. The morning began with work but it was a pleasant task, lunch was pleasant as well (sandwich with no mayo), had to over look a few issues but no complains. Spent several productive hours at the office and then Young Zachary made a surprised visit. Janice and I had a enjoyable dinner catching up with our young college student. Later relaxed in front of a movie (so you know it doesn't get any better for me). I dose off then my eyes popped open and the crash began. Ever been on one of those rides at the state fair or six flags that slowly builds up then change direction with warp speed. That's it, exactly how I felt.

Highs are high and lows are low. I learned something several years ago in my ministry. There are some times after I've ministered the Word of God that I'm wide open and it is then that I'm as vulnerable to the attack of the enemy. So when I feel that I avoid shaking hand and putting myself in that situation. Its sort of like having a weak immune system and subjecting yourself to the daily germs people have. I'm beginning to feel the same way...dealing with the emotional hurt of bereavement. You have to protect yourself from the environment and the people you engage because they can either help or hurt. Not intentional but unintentional. We are unaware of how easily we can be used by the enemy to further afflict hurt in the very lives we desire to heal.

I saw a report about a young kid who was. Suffering with H1N1 and the news reporter along with his mom and dad visited him but what caught my eye was they wore hospital robes and mask. The reporter reported that they wore them in order to not infect the young child. I believe we should have hospital sense when dealing with hurting people so we don't hurt them any more.

Think I'm going to the movies...

Intensified

The word “Intensify” is a verb. It means “to make intense or more intense” or “to make more acute; strengthen or sharpen.” Related words are “intense, intensification, intensified, and intensifying.” Synonyms are “deepen, quicken, concentrate or aggravate.” Antonyms are “alleviate or weaken.” A sentence using the word “intensified” would sound something like this: “The press has intensified its scrutiny of the of the candidate’s background.”

Well, I been trying to work through my thoughts for today and that’s the word that came to mind to describe what I’ve experience the last 48 hours. Everything and I MEAN EVERYTHING has been “intensified.” If I’m mad, I’m furious. If I’m sad, I’m just emotionless. If I’m irritated, I’m just out of control.” Bereavement is a noun and you remember we were taught that a noun was a person, place or thing. Bereavement for me has become both a place and a thing. A place because I woke up one day and I was there in the land of bereavement. A thing because you can’t seem to put your finger on it, one moment it pops up here and the next there. I’m struggling my way through each day with this gigantic load.

You remember the 1958 Sci-Fi movie called “The Blob?” It’s pretty ridiculous but as a kid it was terrifying. The plot was a meteorite falls in the country of a small town, bringing a mysterious creature that resembles a giant Blob of jelly. And the more The Blob engulfs the bigger this jelly creature grew. That’s how these last few days have been, the bereavement (pain, sorrow and hurt) has dominated or controlled all the other emotions and devourers or swallows up all the other emotions. And it is getting bigger and bigger and bigger. It’s taking all of my energy.

The good news is that the town’s people got together and figured out a way to destroy “The Blob!” THE END!

PS The song is just another illustration of the "The Blob"

One More Word

I can't remember a time when I couldn't put together a sentence but I found myself speechless. I was asked a question the other day that if I could talk to anyone in the world who would it be? It didn't take long for me to come up with the individual but it paralyzed me, I couldn't say it. I was speechless. What that person didn't know was I had wished and prayed secretly to have just one more moment, one more second, one more conversation, one more talk, one more hug, one more ride, one more trip, one more nod of approval, one more meal, one more smile, one more handshake, one more hello, one more phone call, one more knock at my door, one more word, just one more time to hear my name fall from his lips.

You know what's crazy? That I know that the reality is that death has once again invaded our ranks and take the soul of our deceased but I struggle with it. I still look for him when I pass his the shop, when I drive by his house, when I walk up to his house to turn the light on/off. My mind and my heart are waring. For several morning I would awaken hoping it was all a dream.

We never know when our last time will be so make sure you express your love and appreciation to those whom you love cause you don't know when it might be your last time.

Sleepless Night

It's morning but a morning I'm not prepared for I'm tired. My mind wouldn't turn off last night or better yet this morning, no matter what I tried. It was like my mind and my emotions were playing some sick cat and mouse game. You ever seen a cat play with a mouse? Its the most twisted game I've ever seen. Everybody knows that cats chase mice its their nature but its the catch that tripped me out. The cat caught the mouse then let it go, only to recapture it again and again and again. Until it renders it helpless and lifeless. That's how I felt last night and way into the morning tossing and turning. Angry one moment, sad the next. Worried one moment and hurt the next. Pissed off one moment then pissed off even more the next.

The nerve of some "people." Yeap I said it! I'm learning a lot about human nature...this is not going to be any great revelation but here goes "people say one thing but do the total opposite." I've had people (people who I've seen BEND OVER and JUMP through flaming hoops for other people)come up to me and say that they understand and that they are there for me then in the same sentence or same day contradict what they just said. Don't get me wrong this is my blog and this is my way of expressing my thought at the particular moment. What does be there mean? Can anybody tell me? What does I'm here to help you mean? What does I'm here mean? Is help suppose to hurt? Theory doesn't work in the trenches...either you're in or you're not!

The Words Coming Out of My Mouth

I've tried my best to articulate how I feel but it just seem to get lost in the translation. I was blessed to travel to the Holy Land in the late 80's and it was the first time in my life that I felt helpless in communicating. There were time when our guide wasn't around and it became extremely difficult when you speak only one language. I had to revert back to my childhood and start trying to point or play sharades (not sure it that's the right spelling or not... you know the game). If I needed a restroom or a certain direction they wouldd just be standing there with this blank look on there face...smiling but having no earthly idea of the words coming out of my mouth.

Well, that's how I've felt these last few weeks. I'm not really a transparent person when it comes to my feeling and emotions. One because I wasn't brought up that way "what goes on in this house stays in this house" you know that song and two been there done that...I've shared things with people only to have them shared without my consent (if you know what I mean.) But I made up in my mind early in this journey that if I was going to successfully move through this I would have to do this with a level of transparency. Wow, there's goes that look again and I'm in america among my people.

Two reasons why:

1. I think that people are so afraid of the subject of death and so unfamiliar with grief that it creates a level of discomfort. If you listen carefully you can even hear them say "hurry up and get over it because you are making me feel uncomfortable." I remember as I little boy playing and falling and scrapping my leg and rolling over discovering blood flowing and hearing my Daddy voice saying get up boy you're okay. That's the feeling you almost get from people.

2. Can we really help and understand someone elses grief? Its it humanly possible for someone to comprehend my broken heart, broken spirit and broken dreams? Who can understand the fears and frustrations of a Marine fighting in a foreign country there to eliminate a enemy while saving civilian while walking in a minefield full of boob traps? Who can understands fears and frustrations of a surgeon who has the responsibility to take a person as close as possible to death's door and not allow the to walk through and then bring them back healed and healthier. Who knows how our president feels waking up every morning having to make his way to the Oval office with the whole world watching and waiting and with several million hoping you fail. Media criticing your every move from how you greet people, to what your wife wears, to the people you surround yourself with.

That's how I feel. 2009 didn't start out well for me with the building project coming to a halt. Then going through the blame game. Then to the attack game. Then the fight game. Then the evaluation of those I thought were my friends. I could go on but its is even exhausting going over this year. Nobody knows the days I struggled to just make it through the day or the night I just laid there with my eyes shut trying to sleep. Then to come to the close of this year and find my Daddy lifeless body. No sign, no signal, no warning...has just been all I can handle. It took all I could to make it through church yesterday knowing that it was men's day and there would be microphone empty. That I wouldn't be able to look up at him as proudly as he looked at me so many times. Yesterday I missed him so much. I know that there will be better days, I know too much about God not to believe that but you know what I hurt so bad and feel so lonely and misunderstood that its only made this experience darker.

The weight and life of ministry is a lonely one but the hurt and heartache of a son is a little too much to handle.

That's enough for now!

Chilly Winds

Today is Sunday...Sundays are the hardest and the toughest day for me because that was pretty much family day for the Gaddis family. All of our family dinner was at Daddy' house and he cooked on sunday. Daddy was so faithful to church never missed small group bible study and worship. Its been emotionally challenging to stand in Greater Bethel and not have my daddy there. I baptized him there. I taught him on sunday and wednesday there. We study together there in men's bible study there. There were many times when I saw that proud look on his face that made me so happy. There were times when I saw that look of utter shock and embarrassment when I said something I should not have said. There were time when he would just laugh and shake his head because he knew I was half way crazy. What sadden me the most is that his last days where filled with worry for me...I can hardly even type these word because my heart is so heavy. He would often come by and say "Son, I'm praying for you...its going to be okay. God is going to see us through!" See he wasn't only my Daddy he was my greatest supporter. It was in that church that my Daddy spoke his final words to me (I didn't know it but I think he may have had a hunch) he said "Son, I love you!"

Today, I will stand without my Daddy sitting in front of me pulling for me, praying for me, saying amen in support of the Word but those memories will forever live in my heart. Thank you Daddy and I love you too!

Chilly winds are driving me away. I'll go find the sun again someday. I'm going where I'll never have the blues. Chilly winds are driving me away.

Surrogates

Today has been an emotionally draining day. From the moment my eyes popped open there has been an million and one different feeling running uncontrollable through my being. Here's my thought after having a half a day to try to understand it all...each of us have a level of tolerance. When it comes to pain some people have a higher tolerance than others. When it comes to pressure some people have a higher tolerance than others (you get the picture?) Emotional overload is what happens when life throws you that curve that is that ultimate strikes you out or that blow that knocks you out.

I'm there! At the place that I have to scream "uncle!" The emotional pain has played itself out physically.

Now here the kicker...there's this movie call the "Surrogates," its a movie about the future of the world. A time when each person would have a surrogate host that a person could live through while never having to leave the comfort and safety of there home. Amazing thought when you think about it. You can look how ever you wish, small, skinny, dark, light, black, white. You could have several surrogates host bodies and change at will.

As the movie plot took shape I realized that luxury came a great cost. One, the surrogate host felt nothing. Two, the host could pretend to be whatever...you could change your color, size or gender. Three, the "host" people never saw sunlight and there skin began to look horrible. I won't ruin the end of the movie but I couldn't help but think that the movie was a prolific and profound picture of what's happening to our culture. We've become a uncaring and unfeeling generation. Walking around with these perfect faces, perfect lives and perfect families. While the painful reality was hidden behind our surrogate. We walk around pretending that in life some rain doesn't fall.

Notice the people who are hurting, broken and crying. Let's be honest about our feeling and emotions. Stop! Stop! Stop!

My mind is fried, so I hope this made some level of sense. If not please forgive me.

Not Today

I'm simply not feeling it today. I don't want to any parts of today. If I could lock myself up somewhere and close the shades I could be content. I just can't handle another thing. I'm numb and don't want to feel anything.

Rollacoastor

Exhausted was the word the other day but today it is emotional. My emotions are all over the place sad, hurt, mad, confused, lonely, anger, disappointment and suspicion. Some time. One at a time other times a combination of two or more. Funny how they connect themselves I'm understankin

Tug-A-War

I've been up sine 4 this morning and Exhausted is a word that describes how I feel. I'm simple tired. As a kid before technology we had to play outside and one of the game we played was "tug-a-war." Tug-a-war was a game that could be played with two or more players. It was one of those games where the more participant the better. It was best played in inter-class battles...one class against another or on the playground. One heavy duties rope and 10 to 15 people on both end and there you have it "tug-a-war." The game was rather simple, one team grabbed one end of the rope and the other team the other and up pulled until the other team gave up. It is an exhausting game because it is one of endurance. The winning team would put those who could hold out the longest at the end of the rope and those who had bursts of energy in the middle and then just pull and pull and pull.

Well that's simply how I've felt over the last few days. Oh, I almost forgot win or lose you knew you had been in a battle thus the name "tug-a-WAR!" Your entire body was exhausted, your arms, your legs and your hands. It was a battle. I'm exhausted.

I'm exhausted and weary of people asking me "how I'm doing or feeling" like over night this magically goes away. That some how God carves out 45 years of memories as you lay down to sleep one night and the next morning you wake up all better. Now don't get me wrong I know people understand that it doesn't work that way but sitting where I'm sitting it becomes exhausting. I promised myself that I wasn't going to fall into that lie and start saying that I was alright until I was REALLY alright. I have that right and if the people aren't able to handle it so be it. So here's the answer "I'm NOT alright, okay!" Its almost like people are saying hurry up already and get over it. Interesting thing though they aren't the ones in this cloud of grief. Its like that sobering limo ride to the cemetery. Every time I make that ride I watch the people on the streets and in the other car forced to pull over to the side of the road they are unaware of your pain and could careless they are even ticked about the inconvenience of having to pull over and wait for procession. That's it grief is an inconvenience to those who are around you because they need to move on.

Move on but leave me alone. Nobody knows better than me that I have got to get a handle on this, but its hard. Its a war and I'm wounded and there are bombs exploding all around us. People are running to safety. Its every man for himself and there I am laying there wounded and nobody even notices how severely I am wounded.

Sunrise is between 715 and 730. It a "tug-a-war."

Another Days Journey

The old church use to sing a song that said "this is another days journey and I'm glad about it." As my eyes popped opened my heart began to race, why I'm really not sure. Maybe its the anticipation of what's next..."Waiting on the next shoe to drop" as the old people use to say. My life has never been what you would call normal or calm. As far as I can remember my life has been everything but simple. I can hardly remember a time when I didn't feel the pressure of life. I'm not complain much but I think things are magnified by the passing of my "Daddy" I'm having to deal with.

I'm tired! See I said it. I'm tired of the confusion. I'm tired of hurting, crying and remembering. I'm tried of everything and everybody. I'm tired of having to hold everybody up, hold everybodies hand and the pressure of having to be there. How's there for me? When I hurt? When I'm the one who is crying? When I'm the one who needs answers and directions? When I'm the one who needs a shoulder to cry on and lean on? I'm tired of fight the mounting emotions that seems to just take over like a flood.

Yesterday at 6pm I lost it simple because I knew 60 mins was on. My Dad loved that show and every sunday you could find him sitting down enjoying it. I miss him. Yesterday I stood and attempted to preach and the emotion of him not being there was hard. People have their lives and things have to go on but it still hurts.

I laid here as long as I could waiting on the sun to rise but I guess the season is changing and the sun is a little late. "Its another days journey and I'm..."

PS...Last night Sister Rosie "moma" Jones went home after 91 years. Thank you for so much. Sweetest woman I ever known and one I knew had a genuine relationship with the Lord!

Rainy Days

"Reality sucks" is a catch phrase in pop culture today, I'm not sure what that means for sure but it just might describe how I feel today. The enemy is relentless, he is cruel and heartless. Life is hard but it become even more difficult when you discover that there are people around you that you can't trust. Those horrible "knives you have pull out of your back." No needed for CSI we all know. The pain and disappointment almost is overwhelming. Do they ever that a vacation, time off or even sleep. I need a break, isn't there somebody else that THEY can talk about? When will THEY turn their eyes to another victim? I AM SICK OF "THEY!" Enough of that...may revisit that later.

Its been raining for hours and I love water but there are times when I am overcome by the affects of it the gloom and the clouds they seems to fight to attach themselves to my emotions. I'm not sure how I feel this morning, wrestled most of the night tried to pray but right now I feel inadequate in just about every area of my life. I really not sure if I'm strong enough to preach this morning? Part of me is excited about the possibilities the other part is scared of the outcome. I'm emotionally spent but I'm standing on God's Word. "God grace is sufficient"

As I continue to sit and listen to the rain falling from the sky I can only think of the cute nursery rhyme "Rain, rain go away. Please come back another day!"

The Week

Its been a week since I found the lifeless body of my Dad. Wow, I said it. I can hardly even believe it. Where has the days gone, it seem to have just vanished. This morning as I waited on the sunrise I couldn't even remember what day it was and other days I awaken to the thought of "has this been one long nightmare." Its REAL!

The sun is up people are moving. I hear the cars passing and life goes on. Tough things to swallow when you are stuck emotionally to handle your loss, your broken family, your broken heart and your broken hopes. Having to deal with the emotional pain of wanting laugh and wanting to cry at the same time. Wanting to remember but the memories be so painful that you want to forget.

Two of the most painful thought this week was when I waked out to preach thursday evening knowing my dad wouldn't be there was very hard to get by. Also my first thought this morning after what day is this was I'll have to drive by and not see him cutting hair in the shop.

My aunt and cousin boarded a plan bounded for home this morning. Things are deafly quite strange sound given the last seven days!

Sadness

As I watch another sunrise I face it with great heaviness. To simply walk throughout the day in a seemingly cloud. Strangely being affected by a world that has continued to keep going on. Each morning the hardest thing I have to do is force my feet to move. Confused with how I feel...a question that continues to be asked "how you feeling?" For once in my life I really don't know they have just been so out of control. One minute the motion is overwhelming grief then anger then sadness then dissapointment, then question. Its been like a rollacoater but its one ride I wish I could get off.