Seem Kinda Odd

Ice Cube the hip-hop mega star made famous these lines "Just waking up in the morning gotta thank God I don't know but today seems kinda odd..." That's my sentiments exactly today. I'm just tired, frustrated, pissed-off, mad, disappointed, hurt, angry, depressed, and a whole lot of other things.

I think everybody has a breaking point. When you've reached your limit. When you've about to reach your breaking point. When it seem like your best just isn't good enough. When you've about to go postal. When your about to throw in the towel. When you've reach your the max of your understanding of people foolishness. When you can't handle another lie, rumor, phony friend who smile in your face while stabling you in your back. Well, I'm there!

I'm up going through the motion trying to keep my mind and my spirit in tacked. I'm in this dark place and I'm not sure how too get out and I'm afraid that I'm going to get stuck.

I miss those days where I couldn't wait for the sun to get up. I missed the days when it was about Kingdom work. When it was simply about the next sermon series, next event, next meeting and next fellowship. I miss the excitement about what God was doing in, through and for us.

I'm figuring out that this is much bigger than anticipated and it want to engulf me. I'm afraid if it does it will change me forever. Something needs to be done but my compass is so jacked-up that I can't focus and find the direction I need. I struggle praying cause I'm so angry, hurt and disappointed.

I don't want to do this any more...Peace

Missing My Daddy

Wow! My heart is heavy. Its been pretty tough emotionally during Thanksgiving without him. I really miss him today!!!

THE BIG GIVER

I have just became one of Shaquille Rashaun O'Neal today. I AM A FAN of Superman, Shaq Diesel, The Big Aristotle and Shaq-Fu.

At 7' 1" Shaq Daddy is regarded as one of the most dominant athletes and arguably the most outspoken personalities. He's a writer, actor, graduate LSU (Louisiana State University) and is the only current NBA player with an Master of Business Administration, as well as playing for 5 NBA teams: the Orlando Magic, the Los Angeles Lakers, the Miami Heat, the Phoenix Suns and currently Cleveland Cavs. O'Neal ). Shaq is also one of the few NBA players in history to reach the NBA Finals with three different teams. His charisma on and off the court helped create a worldwide reputation as "Godfather of the NBA.

With all that said what moved me greatly and made me one of his BIGGEST FANS was the fact that he paid for the funeral of 5-year-old Shaniya Davis, allegedly killed by a man who paid for her sexual services. Shaq Daddy said "I was sitting at home watching it on the news and the story brought a tear to my eye..."

WOW, on the heels of Thanksgiving we should all take a page out of the Shaquille Rashaun O'Neal life book and GIVE to those around us. Giving is not base on how big the gift in the HAND but how big the HEART behind the hand.

This has challenged me to look for ways to give to those who God will cross my path this holiday season.

The Green Mile

One of the most moving movies I've ever watched was the "Green Mile," staring Tom Hanks (as Paul Edgecomb) and Michael Clarke Duncan (as John Coffey Like the drink just not spelled the same"). Paul Edgecomb is a slightly cynical veteran prison guard on Death row (called the green mile because the floor is green) in the 1930's. His faith, and sanity, deteriorated by watching men live and die, Edgecomb is about to have a complete turn around in attitude. Enters John Coffey, He's eight feet tall. He has hands the size of shovels. He's been accused of the murder and rap of two little white girls... and he's afraid to sleep in a cell without a night-light. And Edgecomb, as well as the other prison guards - Brutus, a sympathetic guard, and Percy, a stuck up, perverse, and violent person, are in for a strange experience that involves intelligent mice, brutal executions, and the revelation about Coffey's innocence and the true God-give gift he is.

Well today is thanksgiving day and the last few weeks I've felt a little like Mr. John Coffey. Having this special gift that God has given to "take back" others pain but struggle greatly with my own. Able to be compassionate and sympathy with others but not know how to manage my own. While being on my own "Green Mile," you see no matter the awesome gift John possessed it had become an burden "taken back" others pain but having no one to "take back" his. Being a pastor one of your responsibilities is to be there for the members of your flock as the under shepherd and help carry their burdens but what has always been a joy has become an overwhelming burden because of my own stuff.

The battle with grief is real but it grows during the holidays. Grief become magnified. My "Green Mile" has been my incarceration has been one of emotional and psychological struggles. In my 45years of life today will be the the first Thanksgiving my daddy won't be cooking and serving dinner. Will be the first in recent years that we won't attend the city-wide thanksgiving service together. The first time that his house won't be full of laughter and stories of the "good old days." The smell food and we won't taste his rice dressing.

But today I will say I am and will always be thankful for the memories.

The Green Mile

One of the most moving movies I've ever watched was the "Green Mile," staring Tom Hanks and Michael Clarke Duncan.

Missing in Action

Sundays have become increasingly more difficult for me. What many church attendees are unaware of is the spiritual battle that men and women of God have to endure to deliver life change messages. I've learned over my nearly two decades of pastorring that some of the greatest messages that God has chosen to speak through me have come at a great cost to me personally. Most envy the life of the pastor because they see the "things" but if you could see the scares and open wounds and rotten flesh that out weights any of the trinkets. What has cost the MOST is the genuine desire to see people come to the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ and to discover their God-given purpose that will unleash kingdom power. The enemy hates, hinders and hold the church hostage because he knows how powerful the church would be that securely seeks first the kingdom of God. It is my prayer that I will see the fullness of God's vision come to be. There are hundreds and even thousands of people who are looking for God's church. A place to worship, belong, study, serve and share. My struggle is with what God has shared and birth in my spirit and the overwhelming conflict and lack of cooperation from those who are in leadership. One would think that it would be the pleasure, privilege and purpose of people who have been in church, studied and taught His Word to carry out His Will. But sadly and shamefully those who should be there aren't. Paul writes with his heart broken and said by now I thought you would be teacher but I have to take you back to the elementary teaching. Likewise later he again said it is my desire is to feed you meat but you are still on milk. Are we to spend our time fighting or should we simply shake the dust off? Week in and week out there are those who are broken, beaten and battered by life seeking God for answers and the church is engaged in self destructive behavior. Tearing one another down with gossip and critical word. Fighting God's program, mission and vision. Focusing on self gratification, all about me, myself and I. Seeking to fulfill selfish and personal agenda. Holding fast to tradition and an old-time religion that has failed to take in consideration what it is that God wants. Has anybody ASKED God what He desired for His people to be engaged in? Has anybody ASKED God what He want His people to be doing? Is God please with our worship? What does God want the program of the church to look like, what does He want the order of business too be? Is He concerned about the widows and orphans? What about the single mother who's at her wits end? What about that teenager who fights thought of suicide? What about that wife who is being abused daily? What about that grandmother who has taken in her daughter's children and has no idea on raising this generation? What about that young brotha who dropped out of school and can't read and can hardly write? What about that little girl or boy who has to sit and watch momma smoke crack and do favors? What about that student who goes to school and is made fun of because he/she clothe smell because they have no way of washing them and have no school supplies in order to even attempt to stay up with the rest of the class? What about that gifted young person who has no one push and encourage higher education? What about those seniors who have to make the choice to eat, pay bill or buy medication? While we go to our Sunday school classes and small group session and talk about scriptures and never live them out. Then move to our dry singing, dull praying, deceitful giving, dreadful sermons and then to dinner. Oh, less I forget the great trade, where one church drags their members to one church this month and next month they drag their to the other. Then there is the weak Wednesday workout, where we go through the motion for and hour or so with very little if any praying and seeking God. Does God even attend Wednesdays?

What are we too do?

God won't put more on you than you can bear?

I’ve simply been avoiding not neglecting this blog. Why, you ask? It was my frail, futile and foolish attempt to side step the emotional turmoil I’m experiencing. For several reason…[1] I’ve never been here before, [2] It is incredibly painful, [3] I’m a man, [4] I’m a pastor, [5] I’m the local theologian in my church, [6] My siblings are counting on me, [7] The people closest to me have no idea what to do, [8] People I thought I could count on have been absent, [9] Life pauses for no man and I will restrain myself from doing the predictable thing a preacher and skip number 10.

Like many people, I’m in the darkness moments and seasons in my life. A season that I would have loved to skip, there have been times when I’m had to face some lonesome day and the dark nights and prayed for my own time machine so I can either go back where I was happy, or fast forward anywhere in the future where I can find myself again. Funny huh? There is no such machine invented and the only way to move from the terrible, horrible place where I stand is to go through the dare tunnel ahead.

I’m sure you’ve heard people say, “God won’t put more on you than you can bear!” Is that really comforting? Should that bring absolute joy? I know that sound cynical but let’s step back for a moment and think. Where is the hope in that, when my heart is broken, crushed, bruised, and abused? Do I really want to engage God at that level? What in the hell does that mean? Is there anybody in this universe that’s looking forward to God maxing you out? Let me walk you through that…the lovely statement that “Christians and Non-Christians” make as they attempt to give you this cute little box that is wrapped so beautiful with a bow and everything to help minister and soothe and comfort you in your darkest hour, here it goes, “God won’t put more on you than you can bear!” I’ve worked out many, many years and at times hired a weight and cardio trainer to kick start after a plateau. The trainer’s job was to push my body to levels it has never gone before. After a long week of training on the last day of the week would be max day…the testing day of my limits, stamina and endurance. Every muscle, tissue, cell and fiber of your body is tested, pushed until I reached failure. You see when the trainer sees that I had reached my max he would always call for more. The trainer would see more in me than I was able under extreme pressure in myself and would often times put a hand on the bar to assist me. I would be so glad to drop that weight or prop that bar up but in the heat of the battle, in the pain of the push and the strain in the struggle it was the most gut wrenching experience.

Truth be told that where the rubber meets the road and all the cute quote that people around you throw at you won’t help heal the heartache, heartbreak and hardship. Many times we do more harm than good. How? Glad you asked…

Do not constantly ask “How are you doing?” If that particular moment you’re having the best moment you’ve had in a while, guess what…you’re remind of your pain. Let people express their feel to you and you just be willing to listen. [Don’t ruin a good moment they are far and in between.

Learn and anticipate what they need. Sometime they will need you close and other time far, far away [don’t take it personal]. If you care and love this person you have to become selfless to really help.

Be there! Be there! Be there! I can say that enough. One of the first things a person who has experienced an emotional blow needs is fake and phony friends. We all have them people who you’ve stood with, share with and supped with in there seasons of sorrow and when the tables are turned they’re not there. What a blow!

Be understanding and compassionate. Similar experiences are just that SIMILAR experiences. We all have parents but we have difference and unique relationships with them. Yours is not like mine and mine is not like yours, while we both have parents. It is not comforting to hear in the early stages of grief and bereavement that you understand because you had a love one pass on before.

Know that grief is a process. As I said earlier “Life pauses for no man,” and while you’re going to work, moving and shaking. Your love one could be caught in a dungeon of despair, a web of worry, a pit of pressure, fortress of frustration and a guillotine of guilt, gloom and grief. Don’t be guilty of becoming their psychologist, just fill your role in their life.

Most importantly remember that brokenness, grief, suffering, pain, darkness, guilt and many of the other emotional issues we face in life can’t always be seen by the naked eye. We sometime are guilty of wanting to see them better before their really better. We want to see them happy before they are really happy. To the point of telling people when their situation comes up in conversation, “Naw, they’re alright!” Don’t allow you judgment base upon the fact that they laughed because sometime they have to laugh to keep from crying. Don’t base it on the fact that they go back to their routine because that’s what’s expected. I’ll tell you more about this but I was at a conference and the subject of children coping with crisis came up and the statement was made that most people think children bounce back from crises fairly easy. If they return back to playing, laughing, interacting…you know base to their “old selves” then we assume they’re okay. But not true many simply disguise, camouflage, hid and mask their emotional struggle by acting like those who are around them expect them too. Just because the scares are not visible to the naked eyes doesn’t make them any less real or even worst painful.

Let me close by saying I trust that God knows just how much I can bear…but I wonder everyday how will I deal with this awful feeling of brokenness? How will I ever move on? How on earth will I ever smile again? I wish I could give credit to the writer of this but it alludes me at this moment but this has comforted me at this moment: “Yes, I understand why things had to happen this way. I understand his reason for causing me pain. But mere understanding does not chase away the hurt. It does not call upon the sun when dark clouds have loomed over me. Let the rain come then if it must come! And let it wash away the dust that hurt my eyes!” Bye

November Adoption Awareness Month

I attended last month the National One Church Meeting in Baltimore. One church One child is a national organization that seeks to connect families and children in and through the African American community.

Historically approximately 500,000 children in the US foster care system.

Approximately 229,000 of these children are waiting for a permanent home.

At any given time over 1/2 of these children are Africa American.

Over 20,000 age out of the system at 18 years of age without ever having a family of their own.

November is Adoption and foster care month pass it on. My personal interest is that of an adoptive parent. God has bless my family through adoption in two ways. 1. He's given me two awesome children. 2. Spiritually it helped me understand how WE as believer are adopted as sons and daughter by our heavenly Father.

Do you have room in your life to make a difference in a child's life?

This is Rev. Jamal Bryant and me at that meeting.

The Journey

Its nearly four in the morning and I'm wide awake...WHY you asked all I can come up with is that the journey is getting too me.

There are days when the journey is tough, rough and well better just leave it there.

There are days when the journey is unreasonable and unmerciful.

There are too many days when the journey is selfish and uncooperating.

There are days when the journey doesn't understand the days struggles.

There are too many days when the journey is up and down and up and down.

Will the journey get better???

Will the journey ever get easier???

Will the journey ever cooperate???

Will there ever be a day when the journey and I will end the struggle???

Everybody has a journey they have to face each and everyday. Some enjoy the journey. Others struggle with the journey. Others have given up on the journey. Others have had to become medicaded for the journey. Others are glad for the journey.

All I can say is stay tune and watch the journey continue to unfold.

Good Morning

I'm Soooooooooooooooo Tired!!!

Today, I'm simply overwhelmed. Life has become unmanageable. I'm trying my best to get my life back on track but it seems like the more I attempt to do so the more resistance I encounter. I'm look for a way out!

Lord, please give me the strenght to hold on!

Happy Birthday

You know it doesn't make much sense

There ought to be a law against

Anyone who takes offense

At a day in your celebration'

Cause we all know in our minds

That there ought to be a time

That we can set aside

To show just how much we love you

And I'm sure you will agree

It couldn't fit more perfectly

Than to have a world party on the day you came to be...

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday

Janice

You're beautiful inside and out.

You've been there forever.

Your children love you.

Your grandchildren adore you.

I could never have done much of

what I've accomplish without you.

I love and adore you. Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday

One special beautiful roses among so many thorns. That's how I describe my sister Kristie Rae Gaddis. She grew up in a house full of boys and we didn't make it easy at all. If she wasn't having to take care of one of us, we were giving some unsuspected young man hell cause he wanted to date her. Kristie always had some poor soul wondering aimlessly behind her biding for her attention (Kiristie growing up put you in the mind of Thelma on "Good Times" she had the most beautiful eyes) so it was always someone around that we would have to run off after she got tired of him. That's when my older brother would alway come in handy.

Today is Kristie's birthday and this is her first birthday with Daddy in a very long time. You see daddy's birthday and my birthday is two days apart (August 8th and 10th). So each August we celebrated our birthdays together but today Kristi and daddy are celebrating together in heaven.

Happy Birthday Kristie