The Words Coming Out of My Mouth

I've tried my best to articulate how I feel but it just seem to get lost in the translation. I was blessed to travel to the Holy Land in the late 80's and it was the first time in my life that I felt helpless in communicating. There were time when our guide wasn't around and it became extremely difficult when you speak only one language. I had to revert back to my childhood and start trying to point or play sharades (not sure it that's the right spelling or not... you know the game). If I needed a restroom or a certain direction they wouldd just be standing there with this blank look on there face...smiling but having no earthly idea of the words coming out of my mouth.

Well, that's how I've felt these last few weeks. I'm not really a transparent person when it comes to my feeling and emotions. One because I wasn't brought up that way "what goes on in this house stays in this house" you know that song and two been there done that...I've shared things with people only to have them shared without my consent (if you know what I mean.) But I made up in my mind early in this journey that if I was going to successfully move through this I would have to do this with a level of transparency. Wow, there's goes that look again and I'm in america among my people.

Two reasons why:

1. I think that people are so afraid of the subject of death and so unfamiliar with grief that it creates a level of discomfort. If you listen carefully you can even hear them say "hurry up and get over it because you are making me feel uncomfortable." I remember as I little boy playing and falling and scrapping my leg and rolling over discovering blood flowing and hearing my Daddy voice saying get up boy you're okay. That's the feeling you almost get from people.

2. Can we really help and understand someone elses grief? Its it humanly possible for someone to comprehend my broken heart, broken spirit and broken dreams? Who can understand the fears and frustrations of a Marine fighting in a foreign country there to eliminate a enemy while saving civilian while walking in a minefield full of boob traps? Who can understands fears and frustrations of a surgeon who has the responsibility to take a person as close as possible to death's door and not allow the to walk through and then bring them back healed and healthier. Who knows how our president feels waking up every morning having to make his way to the Oval office with the whole world watching and waiting and with several million hoping you fail. Media criticing your every move from how you greet people, to what your wife wears, to the people you surround yourself with.

That's how I feel. 2009 didn't start out well for me with the building project coming to a halt. Then going through the blame game. Then to the attack game. Then the fight game. Then the evaluation of those I thought were my friends. I could go on but its is even exhausting going over this year. Nobody knows the days I struggled to just make it through the day or the night I just laid there with my eyes shut trying to sleep. Then to come to the close of this year and find my Daddy lifeless body. No sign, no signal, no warning...has just been all I can handle. It took all I could to make it through church yesterday knowing that it was men's day and there would be microphone empty. That I wouldn't be able to look up at him as proudly as he looked at me so many times. Yesterday I missed him so much. I know that there will be better days, I know too much about God not to believe that but you know what I hurt so bad and feel so lonely and misunderstood that its only made this experience darker.

The weight and life of ministry is a lonely one but the hurt and heartache of a son is a little too much to handle.

That's enough for now!